Hello! I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting
your planet. I have transformed myself into this text file.
As you are reading it, I am having sex with your eyeballs. I
know you like it because you are smiling. Please pass me on
to someone else because I am really horny.
-thank Jeff for this one, he sent me it in an email.eeew!
The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!"
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there.
I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Dictionary for arguing with women
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "Fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so
women feel that it's an even trade.
"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for
permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "Five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."
5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you
want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement.
Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of
the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is
momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the
hope that the moment will last a bit longer, maybe "Five minutes."
This word -- followed by any statement -- is trouble. Example; "Oh,
let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk,
to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is
done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to
talk to you for at least two days.
9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have one. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the
chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other
words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you
handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden
meaning. Just say "you're welcome."
12. "Thanks A Lot"
"Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will
say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you
'We Need to Talk' Most commonly spewed forth in a non threatening way, so as to paralyze the man into thinking he will get to have some sort of say. Often the 'we need to talk' discussion ends with a 'lets just be friends' or even worse 'i am dating your best friend'. 'we need to talk' time will generally consists of the female, discussing how she feels about the relationship at hand is, how she thinks it is going, and how she needs to get out of it, with little or no say left to the male, leaving him with the only option of saying, Okay, if thats how you feel.
'We Need to Talk' Should not be confused with the 'State of the Relationship Address', which is just a summation of the current status in the relationship which may lead to either a 'we need to talk' or a very nice quiet evening alone.
Issues: Issues are a mixture of current problems, and historical relationship baggage. In the females mind the 'you left the toilet seat up and i fell in' issue is just as relevant as the 'why can't you just emote' issue. issues can stem from anything, and the male should do his best to satiate the issue at hand with a gentle 'i'll try harder' or 'i am sorry you fell in and got soaked'.
WAYS TO REJECT PICK-UP LINES
1. Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
4. Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too.
6. Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator.
7. Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, go away!"
8. A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
9. Two young dudes are striding down the street and and one glances at a girl who has just walked by. She turns around and sneers at him, "What are you looking at?" His friend comes to the rescue: "He thought you were good looking. Man, was he was mistaken!"
10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
11. Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
A big, strapping guy walks into a bar and can't find a place to sit. So, he finds the puniest looking guy he can pick on, walks over to him and --pow!-- knocks him off his bar stool. "That was a karate chop from Japan!" The little guy picks himself up, sits back on the stool when --pow!-- the big guy knocks him off again. "That was a Kung Fu kick from China!" The little guy picks himself up and leaves. About a half-hour later the big guy is enjoying himself when all of a sudden --pow!-- he's knocked unconscious to the floor. Standing over him is the little guy, who says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a Crowbar from Sears!"
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father thereby easing things for her. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
Lost in Translation
Signs and Notices:
- "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." -- A sign in a Swiss hotel.
- "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." -- A sign in a laundry in Rome.
"Shower of Happiness. Total Safety Guaranteed." -- A label on an electric shower (to heat cold water) in Thailand.
- "Don't get into this." -- A sign in Japan with the universal "do not enter" symbol.
- "We are thinking that 'How to management' is more important than 'What for sell'. we want to realize that is 'It's well that!' that is our opinion." -- On the cover of a photo shop's envelopes for newly developed film.
- "ParkinginwrongPlaces Will Makeyou accountalbetoLaw Apartfrom being atresPassingontheRight oftheCitizenandthestate." -- A sign in Luxor, Egypt.
- "Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." -- A sign in a Spanish hotel.
- "Warning! Difficult to swim out if wearing wader filled with water by falling down! Therefor, please avoid deep water where danger of drowning possibility exists." -- On the label of a pair of chest waders manufactured in Taiwan.
- "Please leave your values at the front desk." -- A sign in a Paris hotel.
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday." -- A sign in a Moscow hotel across the street from a Russian Orthodox monastery.
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel.
- "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." -- A sign in a Yugoslavian hotel.
- "Specialist in women and other diseases." -- A sign outside of Roman doctor's office.
- "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." -- A sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room.
- "Is forbidden to steal towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis." -- A sign in a Tokyo hotel.
- "To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order." -- A sign in a Belgrade elevator.
- "Dresses for street walking." -- A sign outside a Paris dress shop.
- "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are the best in the long run." -- A sign in an Acapulco hotel.
- "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." -- A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge.
- "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation." -- A sign in a Rhodes tailor shop.
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists." -- From an advertisement by a dentist in Hong Kong.
- "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily." -- A sign in a hotel in Athens.
- "Dirty Water Punishment Place" -- How a sewage treatment plant was marked on a Tokyo map.
- "The manager has personally passed all the water served here." -- A sign in an Acapulco hotel.
"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension." -- A sign in an Austrian hotel catering to skiers.
- "Take one of our horse driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages." -- A sign in a Czechoslovakian tourist agency.
- "We take your bags and send them in all directions." -- A sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office.
- "Ladies may have a fit upstairs." -- A sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop.
- "Here speeching American." -- A sign in a Majorcan shop entrance.
- "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty." -- A sign in a Budapest zoo.
"In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter." -- A sign in a Vienna hotel.
- "Warning: Please do not leave children unattended. We are not responsible for lost children or injuries." -- A sign by an apparently dangerous koi pond in a Chinese Restaurant.
- "WARNING: Tips for waitress not privilege off customer, and not optonal to do! Is custimarry and IS THE LAW for leave tips, otherwise is possibul to face prostection by law! Please be responsivele, leave tip and no go jail! Have a nice day!" -- A sign on tables in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.
"Stop. Drive sideways." -- A detour sign in Japan.
- "Special Today - no ice cream" -- A sign at a Swiss inn.
- "You did not report yourself by the Alien police. You have to do this in a short time, otherwise you get troubles! When you don't come to our office, we demand you to come! And when you don't come again, you maybe have to pay a fine, and it is possible that you will be expanded." -- A letter sent by the Rotterdam (Netherlands) foreign police to someone who did not show up for a registration appointment.
- "Adults: 1 tablet 3 times a day until passing away." -- From instructions on a Japanese medicine bottle.
- "Let's decompose and enjoy assembling!" -- Instructions for a puzzle toy made in Taiwan.
- "three types of ball are offered. They are one. two. three." -- Instructions for Chinese Baoding Exercise balls.
"Not to be used for the other use." -- On a Japanese food processor.
- "Cease Fire." -- On a fire extinguisher in Calcutta, India.
- "Hey, you there! Open those windows. Let the air force come in!" -- Spoken by a teacher for whom English was a second language.
"Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself." -- From the instructions on a Japanese hotel air conditioner.
"Finger to spiritual emptiness underlying everything." -- How a C manual referred to a "pointer to void."
- "Almighty type." -- On a box for a universal (guitar/bass) guitar holder from Japan.
- "Known to cure itching, colds, stomachs, brains, and other diseases." -- On a bottle of Chinese medicine.
"Helps you in cooking fast, joyful beautiful sharp edged!" -- More instructions from the potato curl device box.
"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food with Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history. and cultual." -- Instructions on a chopsticks wrapper.
"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try Your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks. the traditional and typical If Chinaes glorious history and culture." -- Instructions on the wrapper for the same brand of chopsticks, as rewritten months later.
"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food with chopsticks. the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history and cultual." -- The same instructions, rewritten still more months later.
"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticke the traditional and trpical of Chinese glorious history and cultual." -- Another rewrite.
"Learn how to use your chopsticks Tuk under thurnb and hcld firmly Add second chcostick hold it as you hold a pencil Hold tirst chopstick in originai position move the second one up and down Now you can pick up anything:" -- Instructions for using chopsticks, on the back of the same chopsticks wrapper mentioned above.
"Add second chopstick hold it you hold a pencil. Hold first chopstick in onginial position move the second one up and down Now you can pick up anything:" -- A rewrite.
"Two little sticks
They're made out of wood
And they help you
To pick up your lunch
And if you practice
Then you'd get good
And you'll tind you can pick up
A bunch to munch
Eat noodles with chopsticks
Eat dumplings with chopsticks
Eat sushi with chopsticks
Don't eat soup with your chopsticks
That's no good with chopsticks
And jello with slide off
I eat with chopsticks
Can you eat with chopsticks
Doctor told us
Be intell eat by using chopsticks
Lots of people use chopsticks
So try eat your chopsticks
-- The same brand of chopsticks, apparently giving up on prose and going for poetry instead.
Brochures and Newspapers:
- "When a passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage tootle him with vigor." -- From a brochure at a Tokyo car rental firm.
"A Great Stage Where Wings of the World Gather, Flap, and Fly skyward." -- From a guide to the Narita airport.
- "In case of fire, please read this." -- On a Saudi hotel's fire safety brochure.
- "In the close village you can buy jolly memorials for when you pass away." -- From a tourist brochure.
"A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers." -- From a story in an East African newspaper.
English Text on Food Packaging:
- "Your life should be recorded for prosperity."
Product Name Translations:
- "Schweppes Toilet Water." -- "Schweppes Tonic Water," as originally translated into Italian.
- "Manure stick." -- "Mist Stick," a brand of curling iron, in German slang.
- "Eat your fingers off." -- "Finger lickin' good," as originally translated into Chinese.
- "Are you lactating?" -- "Got milk?" as originally translated into Spanish for advertising in Mexico.
- "Suffer from diarrhea." -- "Turn it loose," as originally translated into Spanish for advertising of Coors.
- "Fly naked." -- "Fly in leather," as originally translated into Spanish for advertising of American Airlines' leather first class seats.
- "I saw the potato." -- "I saw the Pope," as translated into Spanish. The slogan was used on promotional T-Shirts for the Pope's visit to Miami.
- "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." -- An English slogan used by Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux for an American advertising campaign.
- "Are you finished? No, I'm Swedish." -- From a "Learn English" tape in Finland.
English Subtitles In Hong Kong Films:
- "I threat you! I challenge you meet me on the roof tonight for a duet!" -- The Iceman Cometh
- "I will kill you until you are dead from it!"
- "The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?" -- Lethal Panther
- "I got knife-scars more than the number of your leg's hair!" -- As Tears Go By
- "I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way." -- Holy Weapon
- "I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!" -- Pom Pom and Hot Hot
- "You are too useless. And now I must beat you."
- "Gun wounds again?" -- Rich and Famous
- "A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries." -- Brain Theft
- "You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken." -- Pedicab Driver
- "Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants." -- The Seventh Curse
- "Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected." -- Saviour of the Soul
- "Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?" -- Armour of God
- "Quiet or I'll blow your throat up." -- On the Run
- "You daring lousy guy." -- Satyr Monks
- "Beat him out of recognizable shape!" -- Police Story 2
- "How can you use my intestines as a gift?" -- The Beheaded 100
- "Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!" -- Pedicab Driver
- "This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat."
- "Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination."
- "Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some @$$ of the giant lizard person."
History: some answers to tests kids took
- "The Magna Carta provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the same offense."
- "Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes."
"Milton wrote 'Paradise Lost.' Then his wife dies, and he wrote 'Paradise Regained.'"
"The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died, and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this."
- "Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead."
- "Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms."
"Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English."
- "Bach died from 1750 to the present."
"[Napoleon] wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children."
- "The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West."
"Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis."
- "Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Spices."
- "It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance."
- "Without Greeks, we wouldn't have history."
"Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey."
- "Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of the same name."
"When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men."
- "Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks."
- "The Whiskey Rebellion was when some people got smashed and went and rebelled."
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that
Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Rules for Attorney Hunting Season
1.) Any person with a valid State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2.) The taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use
of currency as bait is prohibited.
3.) The killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally
struck, remove roadkill to roadside, then proceed to nearest car wash.
4.) It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a helicopter
or other aircraft.
5.) It shall be unlawful to shout, "whiplash," "ambulance!" or, "Free
Perrier!" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
6.) It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
7.) It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of whorehouses,
health spas, ambulances, or hospitals.
8.) If an attorney is elected to government office, there will be a $500
bounty on the pelt.
9.) Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection for rabies, vermin and contagious diseases.
10.) It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter,
drug dealer, pimp, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim,bookie, or tax
accountant for the purposes of hunting attorneys.
Attorney Bag Limits:
Yellow-Bellied Sidewinder = 5
Hairless Civil Libertarian = 7
Skinny-Assed Ambulance Chaser = 12
Horse or Cattle Rustler Defender = 20
Silver-Tongued Murderer Defender = 50
Jack-Legged Divorce Litigator = No limit
Honest Attorney = Extinct
BECAUSE I'M A MAN...
>Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will
>fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions
>that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has
>Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I
>will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what
>I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to
>the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now
>with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where
>to start.' We will then drink beer.
>Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring
>me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You
>NEVER get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
>Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I
>will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this
>will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets
>here and has to put it back together.
>Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control
>in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,
>I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was
>able to survive by holding a calculator).
>Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no,
>I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you
>listen to a complete stranger -- I mean, how could he know
>where we're going?
>Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
>thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football,
>though I have to make up something else when you ask, so
>Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have
>your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or
>think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her
>for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't
>forget to pick up something for my Mom, too!
>Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
>movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I
>didn't like it.
>Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce
>Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to
>tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on
>the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim
>Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave.
>Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
>Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I
>thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.
>Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it
>looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go
>Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 2000's, I will
>share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the
>cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do
>This has been a public service message for women, to better
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a
long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items
had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment then the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE
THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear
of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU
WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Kansas, Iowa, or Missouri, those
states' Tourism Councils have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter the State
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than
you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because
I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years
old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
13-inch trout you fish for...bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up
to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for
what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two
pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop
when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too--and turtle. You really want sushi
and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't
like it? Interstate 70 goes two ways--Interstate 35 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.
Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.
Now, enjoy your visit and then go home...
As some people having been shooting other things than deer...like cows (apparently they couldn't tell the difference) some people have suggested putting a sign like the following at the H&F Department:
COW *picture* DO NOT SHOOT
HORSE *picture* DO NOT SHOOT
SMALL DOG *picture* DO NOT SHOOT
LARGE DOG *picture* DO NOT SHOOT
CONGRESSMAN *picture* SHOOT, BUT DO NOT EAT
FARMER BROWN *picture* WILL SHOOT BACK
SHERRIF BOB *picture* THINKS YOU HAVE A "PURTY MOUTH"
The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are
> > >>asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following
were some of this year's winning entries:
1. Coffee (n.),a person who is coughed upon
2. Flabbergasted (adj.),appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n) garlic-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul
goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Facts About Children
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with
rollerblades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jam sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odour is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
#24: if you suspect that loud booming sound is your young boys "partying" by jumping off of high objects onto the floor after bedtime is long past, it probably is.
#25: Young boys can jump from amazingly high distances without any apparent injury.
#26: nuts and bolts (the hardware kind) will pass easily through a digestive system in a few days.
#27: Legos, left on the floor, can make wonderful midieval torture devices when stepped on.
#28: A toddler's threshold of injury after a slight fall or other bump is directly related to the "aw" factor...say "aw" and they will wail uncontrollably...ignore their little injury and they will likely not even notice it.
#28a: It's not a serious injury unless the child cries spontaneously.
#29: children probably regularly see light blue- or red-shifted in Doppler fashion considering how fast they run through the house.
#30: if you were ever able to harness the energy of a 2, 3, or 4-year-old, you could power an entire city.
#31: the sound energy alone released by a young child would be enough for #30.