Ando Eldarinwa
LOTR Humor

And the weird humor continues.....I think most of its good....THANK YOU!!! reloaded

by Loanshark

Fifty times, to be precise. Some stats:

Got Billy three times in the first five! Yay! :)

Billy Boyd: 6 times.
Dominic Monaghan: 6 times.
Sean Astin: 7 times.
Ian Holm: 3 times.
Elijah Wood: 9 times.
Orlando Bloom: 5 times.
Peter Jackson: 5 times.
Christopher Lee: 5 times.
Liv Tyler: 4 times.

Speech assessment:
I'm Christopher Lee... I'm everyone's favourite Bad Guy... Welcome to Lord
of the Rings... Dot net...

Hello, this is Orlando Bloom. I'm lying outstretched on a velvet sofa,
wearing my favourite mumu. Welcome to Lord of the Rings dot net, come drool
over me.

Hello, this is Liv Tyler. People have complained that Arwen was too much of
a tough chick in the film, so I'm sounding a bit more sappy here. Welcome
to Lord of the Rings dot net.

Hello, this is Peter Jackson. I've got a very busy schedule, what with me
still having to finish two more films, but welcome to Lord of the Rings dot
net anyway.

Hello, this is Sean Astin. I had to learn a completely different accent for
the film, and boy does it feel good to speak normal again! Welcome to Lord
of the Rings dot net.

Hello, this is Dominic Monaghan. Hah, try copying *that* pronunciation!
Welcome to Lord of the Rings dot net.

Hello, this is Billy Boyd. I've got the cutest accent in the world, six
times in fifty is nowhere near enough. Welcome to Lord of the Rings dot net.
(Yes, I'm heavily biased towards Billy. Sue me. *grin*)

Hello, this is Elijah Wood. Cool, you're visiting us! Welcome to Lord of the
Rings dot net.

Web-people: Ian, you have to. It's in your contract.
Ian Holm: But they *know* they're at Lord of the Rings dot net! Why else
would they have typed in the address?
Web-people: They like to hear your voice, Ian.
Ian Holm: God knows why. Oh, alright then. Hello, this is Ian Holm... I
still really don't see the point of this! Why would people want to hear *me*
welcome them?
Web-people: Ian!!!
Ian Holm: Oh, you're probably right, you usually are. Welcome to Lord of the
Rings dot net.

divide and conquer
Elves of Rivendell
(sung to the tune of Knights of the Round Table)
  -"supposedly" from Monty Python and the Lord of the Urns

We're Elves of the Homely House
We're altogether famous, 'cos
Our leader's been,
An ex-drag queen,
Elrond is a big girls blouse!

{dee-dee dee-dee dee-dee-dee, dee-dee dee-dee-dah!}

We dress well here in Rivendell,
Our sequined panties sure are swell.

{dee-dee dee-dee dee-dee-dee, dee-dee dee-dee-dah!}

We're the Elves of the East,
Pretty (and not the least)
When Orlando Bloom
Causes girls to swoon
They don't need a doctor, more a priest!

{dee-dee dee-dee dee-dee-dee, dee-dee dee-dee-dah!}

When he came to Rivendell,
The ladies dropped dead, we could tell.

{dee-dee dee-dee dee-dee-dee, dee-dee dee-dee-dah!}

The Elves of Lord Elrond,
Are heading across the pond,
When the time comes,
We'll turn and run,
Across the sea we'll all abscond!

{dee-dee dee-dee dee-dee-dee, dee-dee dee-dee-dah!}

We're all leaving Rivendell, now
Sauron's been sent back to hel.....

{dee-dee dee-dee dee-dee-dee, dee-dee dee-dee-dah!}
divide and conquer
My favorite from the new LOTR cd:
'Under Precioussss' - By Queen, Bowie and Smeagol
    *falls over from laughing.....its one of My favorite songs!!
divide and conquer
this is soooo incerdibly weird!

What REALLY happened on Weathertop

by Baron Wilderness

The Wraiths swept Merry and Pippin aside like they were leaves in the wind and Frodo cowered before them. He retreated as much as he could but his escape was thwarted by a large rock. The Wraiths closed in and one of them drew a long, wicked blade.

Frodos' hand crept towards the chain on his neck and without realizing it, his grip closed on the ring. Despite the danger his will defied him and he slipped it onto his finger. The world faded. All around him things became dim and blinding at the same time. Sam and the other Hobbits dissappeared and Frodo was alone. He seemed to become nothing, ghostlike, and looking down he saw himself start to fade. Suddenly he was blinded by what looked like a thousand stars, then all began to clear. His sight returned to him and he became aware that everything was different.

He felt the ground beneath his fingers and it was hard and smooth, unlike the rocky slabs he expected. Embedded in the floor were flat, metallic circles and looking up he saw the same circles on the ceiling. He raised himself up onto one elbow and looked around. He was in some kind of room! The walls were smooth just like the floor and they were covered in strange runes, the like of which Frodo had never seen before. Along one wall were many windows but he could see no view, instead they were filled with glowing symbols of many colours.
Frodo now became aware of what appeared to be a large white table at one end, also covered with the strange runes, and behind it, stood a man.

He was a little smaller than Strider from what Frodo could see and wore a strange blue tunic with a golden brooch upon his breast. Frodo now realized the man was looking directly at him with a look of concerned astonishment. He looked down at his table which made strange chirruping noises, then back to Frodo. He raised a small metallic box, opened the lid and spoke into it. "Capt'n, you'd better come doon to transporter room 2, there's been an...accident"
The man sounded strangely somehow like Gimli but he was definitely not a dwarf, Frodo lay rooted to the spot, afraid to move. Then to his surprise the box replied!
"What is it Scotty?"
"It's best if ye just come doon Sir" said the man in blue to the talking box.

Shortly one of the walls magically slid aside with a swoosh and another man stepped inside. He wore a similar tunic but this time it was green. He had strange hair and spoke in a very exaggerated manner.
"My-god....Scotty,....what happened, is it him?"
"I canne' tell Capt'n," replied the man in blue, who was obviously called Scotty.
The man in green approached Frodo, and spoke.
"Chekov, is that you?"
"No, my name is Frodo." Replied Frodo, being quite sure his name was not 'checkoff'

Just then the wall swooshed aside again and two more figures came in, the first was slightly older and quite wrinkly and immediately on seeing Frodo exclaimed "Great scot Jim! What is it?"
Frodo did his best not to be offended and on seeing the second figure he finally relaxed a little.

Behind the rude man walked a tall Elf. He wore a black trousers that were a little too short for him and blue tunic with the same golden brooch, just like the one called Scotty, but his aloof look and pointed ears convinced Frodo he was definitely an Elf, even though this one wore a little more eye make-up than most elves he knew.
Frodo jumped up and addressed him, "I am Frodo of the Shire," he said "well met Elf Lord, what is this place and how came I here?"
The Elf raised one eyebrow and looked at the man in green. The man in green made an exaggerated gesture as if to say 'go ahead' and the Elf stepped forward.
"Greetings Frodo of the Shire, I am Spock and you are on the Starship Enterprise."
"The who, the what?" said Frodo startled "I want to go home!"

Suddenly all the lights turned red and an awful noise filled the room. "Klingons on the starboard bough!" cried Scotty The man in green ran in a strange exaggerated fashion over to the door, he turned back and said to the Elf, "Spock... we.... have-to-beam-him-back, lets go"
"Mr. Scott, reverse the transporter bipolar coordinates and transphase the neutrino particle beam accelerators to two hundred percent" said the Elf "Aye Sir" said Scotty, although Frodo wondered if Scotty thought the Elf had spouted as much gobbledygook as he did.
"We're being boarded!" cried Scotty looking at his magic table. Just then, a bright light appeared in the corner of the room, strange starlight flooded the area and as it faded, an very orc-like man in black appeared in its place. He roared and attacked Scotty knocking him down, the Elf span round but was knocked down also. The orc-man drew a savagely pointed knife and thrust it at Frodo. The hobbit tried to dodge but it caught him on the shoulder and he fell. The orc-man loomed over him and was about to strike again when the Elf leapt up and felled him by simply placing his hand on his neck.

The Elf placed Frodo quickly onto one of the metallic circles and went to the magic table.
"Good luck Frodo Baggins," he said "Naramie!...... energizing"
Before Frodo could question him the bright lights returned and he felt himself begin to fade again. His shoulder ached and burned but the lights blinded him less this time and he was relieved to faintly hear Sam's voice calling to him. He felt the cold stone underneath him once more and he now heard Striders' voice too.
"Take off the ring Frodo!" he cried
Of course! The ring! Frodo strained, almost passing out from the pain in his shoulder but managed to remove the ring. The real world melted back and standing over him concerned were both Sam and Strider.
As Frodo lay in pain but relieved to see his friends again, he wondered if Scotty, the strange man in green and the Elf would be alright and survive the attack. He thought about telling the others but his shoulder was too painful and before long he lost consciousness altogether.

divide and conquer

Tales of the Pants!

Arwen: "What's this? A Ranger, caught with his pants down?" (Mrs Pip)

The pints scene- "What's that?" "This, my friend, is a belt." "They come with belts? I'm getting one." (Mrs Pip)

Strider:"You draw far too much attention to your pants, Mr. Underhill!" (Mrs Pip)

Legolas:"He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and you owe him your pants." (Mrs Pip)

"Dragons steal pants, you know, from men and elves and dwarves, wherever they can find them; and they guard their wardrobe as long as they live (which is practically for ever, unless they are killed), and never enjoy a brass button of it." -Thorin Oakenshield (ok that was from the hobbit, but you know... =) (Mrs Pip)

Frodo:"Sam and I must leave our pants behind." Merry: "Right. Unbuckle Merry." (Mrs Pip)

Boromir: "Shards of Narsil! The sword that cut the pants off Sauron's waist!"(Mrs Pip)

If I put one more leg in, I'll have on the most pants I've ever worn. -Sam (Mrs Pip)

Frodo: "go back, Sam. I'm going to Mordo without my pants!" (Mrs Pip)

Gandalf on the bridge in moria- "your fly you fool!" (Mrs Pip)

Frodo at counsel of Elrond: "I will take the pants, though I do not know the way." (Mrs Pip)

Aragorn: "If by my life or pants I can aid you, I will. You have my sword. Legolas: "And my bow." Gimili: "And my pants." (Mrs pip)

Gandalf: "YOU.....SHALL NOT.... drop your pants!" (Mindblade)

Galadriel "You will find your pants" (Mindblade)

Galadriel "The world is changing, I can feel it in my pants" (Mindblade)

Frodo: "I wish these pants had never come to me, I wish none of this had every happened" (Mindblade)

Gandalf: "So do all who come to see such times" (Stefbaggins)

Elrond: "These pants cannot be washed like that, Gimli, son of Glóin. They must be cast into the fires (Mindblade)

Arwen: "Give him the pants that were given to me." (StefBaggins)

Boromir about Mordor: "There are pants there that do not get washed!" (StefBaggins)

Boromir : You cannot do this. Not with 10000 pants! (Mindblade) (Though he claimed he couldn't remember the exact words. "Direct" quote: "Not with 10,000 pants could you do this")

Aragorn: "I swore to protect you!", Frodo: "But can you protect me from your pants?" (Mindblade)

Frodo: "Shire? Baggins? Why that would lead them to my pants!" (StefBaggins)

Bilbo: "I feel stretched, like pants pulled over fat thighs." (Stefbaggins)

For a time will come when pants... will rule the fate of all. (Rayvah)

Arwen: "If you want them... come and claim them!" [doesn't even have the word 'pants' in it!] (Mindblade)

Galadriel: "The mirror shows many things. Pants that were. Pants that are. And some pants... that have not yet fallen down" (Rayvah)

Frodo: "We are headed to the Prancing Pony. Our pants are our own." (StefBaggins)

Boromir: "I see your mind! You will drop your pants before Sauron!" (Rayvah)

Gandalf: "For the pants of Saruman are not lightly thrown aside" (Rayvah)

Saruman: "You do not know pain, you do not know fear. You will taste man - pants!" (Rayvah)

Saruman, talking to Sauron: "How can I service you?" (Mindblade)

Boromir to Aragorn, before he dies: "I tried to take his pants..." (Mindblade)

Legolas: "The waist of my pants draws near to my feet... I can feel it" (Rayvah)

Legolas: "There are felled pants on the wind" (FrodoLover)

Conversation between Merry and Pippin: (the second breakfast scene) Pippin- "What about pants?" Merry- "I don't think he knows about pants." Pippin- "What about underpants, then? Does he know about them?" Merry- "I wouldn't bet on it." (Mrs Pip)

No! The big one! The big one! Without pants! (StefBaggins)
divide and conquer
warning Groaner!!!
Legolas being the best looking elf this side of Mirkwood and a bit of a 'ladies-elf' is always a fave with the local she-elves but he has a real problem getting them to leave him alone. One evening, a particularly persistent she-elf grabs hold of his arm so he cries "Le' go lass!" (Legolas/Let go lass/Legolas/Let go lass. he! he! he!)
divide and conquer
*gasp* LMAO!!!!   need....air....

Return to the other LOTR pages
1) The Leaves-the first beginning page with elvish language this and legolas pics
2)Fallen - a humorus page with alternative texts and fan writings
3)Keep on Going.. - character pics, elvish lines, the best lines, pics, wallpaper etc...