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I love the part of the goldfish jingle that goes..
"the wholesome snack that smiles back, until you bite their heads off!" lol...its great!
REJECTED DR SEUSS BOOKS
1. One Bitch, Two bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
6. The Cat in the Blender
7. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
LITTLE GOLDEN BOOKS THAT NEVER MADE IT
1. You Are Different & That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
5. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
6. All Cats Go To Hell
7. The Little Sissy Who Snatched
8. Some Kittens Can Fly
9. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
10. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
11. Strangers Have The Best Candy
13. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
14. Pop! Goes the Hamster ... And! Other Microwave Games
15. The Man In The Pool Is Actually Satan
16. Your Nightmares Are Real
17. Places Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
19. Why Can't Mr Fork and Mrs Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Some more books that didn't quite make it....
3. Dad's New Wife Timothy
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
9. All Dogs Go to Hell
12. That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
29. Horton Hears a Fart
30. The Little Engine That Could Get it Up
31. Kandy Kane Loves Santa Claus
32. Twenty Fun Things to Do with Lipstick
33. How the Grinch Stole Your Lunchbox
34. Captain Kangaroo's Traffic Court
35. Puff and the Magic Mushrooms
36. Selling pics of your older sister for fun & profit.
my dad found this and said he was going to use it-, I told him he wasn't funny....but it's better than the putting up of chicken heads from our "desposed of" roosters around the yard idea
Application to date my daughter
If you are interested in dating my daughter, simply print out and complete the following form and mail it to me for review and approval. Before doing so, you might want to review the RULES for dating my daughter. They WILL be enforced!
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompained by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. 1. NAME:__________________ DATE OF BIRTH___________________________
2. HEIGHT:__________WEIGHT:______________IQ:_________GPA:__________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________DRIVER'S LICENSE____________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK:________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS:__________________________________________________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?_________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married:__________________________
8. Do you own a van:_________a truck with oversized tires?_________a waterbed?________
9. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button rings?________tattoo?_______
10. In 50 words or less, what does DONT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?
(attach additional pages with response as needed)
11. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
12. In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
13. Church you attend:_________________________________________________
14. When would be the best time to interview you father, mother and pastor?_____
15. Answer by filling in the blank.Please answer freely. All answers are strictly confidential. (That means I won't tell anyone ever)
A. If I was ever shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is:
B. If I was beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
C. A woman's place is in the:
D. The one thing I hope the application does not ask is:
E. When I meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is: (NOTE: if answer E begins with a T or an A, discontinue and leave premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised).
16. What do you want to be IF you grow up?
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS FREE, AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED-HOT POKER, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
Applicant's signature:__________________________________________________
(this means sign your name, moron)
Thank you for you interest. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not call or write. (You probably can't anyway.) If your application is rejected two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases will notify you(you might watch your back).
The Rules for dating my daughter...
Now that you have completed and submitted the application to date my daughter, you need to familiarize yourself with the following rules for appropriate conduct.
If you expect to have a difficult time remembering these rules, I would be happy to subsidize having the tattooed to your arm.
Now if you need to have a friend read them to you, please save us all a lot of time and pain and simply tear up your application. The dating thing...it ain't happenin'
Also, if I call out jovially when you arrive at the house. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?" Don't take it personally, just take it somewhere else.
These rules are cast in stone, and there is no comprimise or negotiation whatsoever
...Have a nice evening.
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron
Software VS Hardware
MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE.
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car woullock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
Some sad news:
Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,
the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch. The gravest was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was
considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and
Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his
elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Some comments on this:
Cypsalot: His father Pop Tart fought in the Great War, WW1. He was the original "Dough" Boy!!
Jane:Gee, and I always thought Pop Tart was Britney Spears. Thank you for clearing up that misconception.
Binky: If ever there was a misconception, it was Britney Spears.
Have you ever wondered about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
If: Alphabetical letters are represented by their numerical sequence:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.
NEW LANGUAGE
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze vorld!
The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, the traditional Christmas pet.
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as mountain air.
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, Not a good dog.
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by...oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Bull Terrier + Shitzu
You figure this one out
THE CAT DIARIES
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
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Rules for Cats
I. DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.
IV. HELPING
If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
V. WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.
VI. BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.
VII. COMPUTERS
1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails.
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Ever want to call someone stupid, but want to do it in a way that is politically correct? Here are some great suggestions sent in by various people...
- A few clowns short of a circus
- A few fries short of a Happy Meal
- An experiment in artificial stupidity
- A few beers short of a six pack
- Dumber than a box of hair
- A few peas short of a casserole
- Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box
- the wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
- One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
- One taco short of a combination plate
- A few feathers short of a whole duck
- All foam, no beer
- The cheese slid off his cracker
- Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
- Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
- Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
- Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
- He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down
- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
- As smart as bait
- Chimney's clogged
- Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
- Doesn't know much but, leads the league in nostril hair
- Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
- Forgot to pay his brain bill
- Her sewing machine's out of thread
- His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
- His belt doesn't go through all the loops
- If he had another brain, it would be lonely
- Missing a few buttons on his remote control
- No grain in the silo
- Proof that evolution can go in reverse
- Receiver is off the hook
- Several nuts short of a full pouch
- Sky light leaks a little
- Slinky's kinked
- Surfing in Nebraska
- Too much yardage between the goal posts
Actual clipping from church bulletins:
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"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." |
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. |
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." |
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy." |
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. |
Germs
by Al Yankovic
Lyrics:
Sometimes I really want to be alone
But that's one state I'm never in
Because I know that I've got millions upon millions
Of tiny, one-celled organisms living on my skin
(Germs) I rub and scrub until my flesh is raw and bleeding
(Germs) But they just come right back
(Germs) I can't even see 'em, but I know they're up to something
Hey, don't touch that - you don't know where it's been
They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get 'em offa me
I'm covered with ... microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with ... microscopic bacteria
Now if I ever dare to go to sleep
That's when they start their sneak attack
In the morning I wake up in utter horror
To find my teeth are covered with bacterial plaque
(Germs) Can't get those parasitic creatures off my face
(Germs) And there's more comin' every day
(Germs) I never said that they could camp out on my body
I wish they'd pack their tiny little bags and move away
They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get 'em offa me
I'm covered with ... microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with ... microscopic bacteria
They're creepin' around my shorts
They're under the bathroom sink
They're ridin' inside my car
They're swimmin' in my drink
They're hidin' between my toes
They're lurkin' in every kiss
I got 'em way up my nose
In every orafice
I'm gonna show them who's boss
I'm gonna get even yet
Just gimme some Lysol spray
Just hand me a moist towelette
Don't tell me I'm paranoid
I know that they're after me
Look under the microscope
See??
They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get 'em offa me
I'm covered with ... microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with ... microscopic bacteria
They're all over me
I can feel 'em all over me
Over every part of me
Microscopic bacteria
I know they're watching me
They're always watching me
They're coming after me
Microscopic bacteria
Won't somebody help me
Please somebody help me
You've got to believe me
They're out to get me
They wanna control me
They wanna destroy me
They're tryin' to kill me
It kind of upsets me
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