Ando Eldarinwa

You know youre a fangirl when:

You simply adore guys like Legolas. Less talk, more action.
You have a Legolas wallpaper on your computer.
...and it's been there for more than three months.

-> You rate that scene where Legolas uses the same arrow to stab then shoot orcs among the great moments in cinematic history.

You've been part of at least 2 arguments concerning the color of Legolas' hair. (Blond.)
Today marks the 1,000th time you've said "They're ELF ears, not SPOCK ears!" to people who walk up to you on the street.

You've recently purchased a bow
And you're taking lessons on how to use it.
But in the meantime, you've killed three people trying to figure out how to shoot two arrows at once.

You think the way he handled that troll-thing in the mines was sheer brillance."....jumping on top of its head to stab it? he saved the day!

"You try to write a poem of praise for Legolas in Quenya (High-Elvish)
"When you are immediately not interested in a guy because he lacks those oh so manly elf ears!"

"You go to Lord of the and press the refresh button untill you hear, "Hello. This is Orlando Bloom. Welcome to Lord of the""

"Not only have you listened to the's thingy say "Hello, this is Orlando Bloom. . ." you've recorded and made it say that EVERYTIME U TURN ON YOUR COMPUTER. In fact, sometimes you just start playing it just to hear his voice. "

"Just when it seems that it's too good to be true that Legolas is "perfect" (never seeming to run out of bows or getting into a fight w/out a scratch <<sigh>>) You watch the movie again and guess what he IS!

"You learn and are speaking Legolas' language --> elvish. Just to understand what they say in the movie w/out having to distract your eyes to the subtitles. His face is worth every minute of that movie!"

-> "You see the Lord of the Rings and time how long Legolas is on screen (13 1/2 minutes)"
"Find your elf name and have people call you that instead of your real name

Jeff suggests: "Your boyfrieind suspects you like Legolas more than him."
Jeff suggests: "Your boyfriend suspects you like Legolas more than him and hes right."
--> is this a hint?

your boyfriend refuses to take you to the movies when you you innocently ask to see the LOTR, just because he *thinks* that you want to go just to see Legolas...a personal gripe of mine

you ignore people who look at you like your crazy when you greet them with the traditional elvish (a star shines...)
you get mad when you discover that its illegally to carry your knifes in your boots like know, just in case you run into any stray orcs....

"you find yourself imagining that flash of blonde hair everywhere you go...."

divide and conquer

Some LORT "Humor"

This is from somewhere (sorry don't know where, if someone tells me I'll give credit)  Its kinda funny/weird
Tacky B-movie Music and Sound Effects for LOTR

(Ihighly revere Tolkien's works, I really do. But I gotta have fun with it now and then...)

The Sauruman vs. Gandalf in Orothanc scene, where they duel with staffs: Insert the BAM!!! and POW!!! cartoons, complete with sound effects, from the old Batman series.

Where Gandalf is spinning around Saruman's floor with his head as an axis: Breakdancing music, either "Scorpio" or "Herbie Hancock."

Whenever Frodo, Aragorn, Elrond or Legolas shows up: "I'm Too Sexy."(of course, this would blot out all their lines, but who's listening to them, anyway?;)

Every time they show a closeup of the Hobbits' hairy feet: Ominous music

Every time they show a closeup of Gandalf or the Orcs: Ominous music

For each appearance of the Ring, or even its mere mention: Ominous Weird Al accordian music complete with hand farts

When Boromir is closing in on Frodo for the Ring: The theme from Jaws

The opening scene battle between Men/Elves and Sauron: "Hard to Find How I Feel" by Godsmack

Whenever the Black Riders show up: "Sandman" by Metallica

Arwen's ride: The Overture from 1812

Arwen's first appearance: "Wild Thing"

After Frodo says, "DO they, Gandalf?" First five notes of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony

Gollum in his cave: A continuous, low, decrescendoing note that goes "eeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrr". Is remniscent of a sewer pond, like the one we had to watch on some tacky junior high school movie in science class.

When the eagle takes Gandalf away: "From a Distance."

When the Orcs storm Moria: "We Will Rock You!!!"

When the Hobbits enter the Prancing Pony: "Tequila!"

Entering Lothlorien: The very retarded, head-in-the-clouds "Goin' to Eden, Yea Brother" song from that one tacky episode from the old Star Trek

When Gandalf tells Elrond about Saruman breeding the Uruk-Hai: A caphonous, brassy, short burst of music that sounds something like "BWAAAAA!!!"

For each fight scene: "Kung Fu Fighting."

The Hobbit party: One of Weird Al's Polka Medleys

divide and conquer

> From: David P. Murphy (
> Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery
> Subject: Re: The oldest story of all
> Date: 4 Jan 2002 15:45:37 GMT
> Organization: Phase of the Moon Software Inc.

Mike Sphar wrote:

>From an interview with Peter Jackson I read, he was *contractually
>obligated* to provide a 2 hour cut, but the PTB liked the 3 hour cut enough
>to let it stand.

That puts the fear of God in me: FotR in two hours. "Abridged"
is a weak word to describe that result. The three-hour version
is already sliced up, just what can you delete from /it/?


Frodo:  Hi, Gandalf! 
Gandalf:  Bilbo, give him your ring. 
Bilbo:  Okay.  Bye! 
Gandalf:  See you at the pub, Frodo. 

Frodo: Doo-de-do. Nazgul: Boo! Frodo: Eeeek! Merry: (pops up out of nowhere) Eeeek! Pippin: (ditto) Eeeek! Sam: Ha ha, can't catch us now!

Tom Bombadil: Hello little friends! Frodo: No time for you, weirdo. Tom Bombadil: (disappears)

Saruman: See, all I had to do was cross out "Good" on my business cards and write "Bad," and I'm all set. Gandalf: I never saw /that/ coming. Saruman: Excuse me while I tend to my vast army of evil orcs and war machinery which were in plain sight. Gandalf: Alas, if only he had imprisoned me at the top of a high tower without walls or ceiling so that he could not prevent a giant eagle from rescuing me, instead of in the canonical dungeon deep underground. Oh, wait.

Frodo: (whispering) Keep a low profile. Pippin: (loudly) And don't mention your real name, right? Merry: (loudly) Or the ring either, right? Strider: Right. Don't mention the ring. (laughs) It's okay, I'll save you.

Pippin: (whining) Are we there yet? Nazgul: Bwa ha ha ha. Give us the ring, little worm. Frodo: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names- Sam: Hmm, looks like swords work too. Strider: Go away, bad men! Nazgul: The five of us must flee, for we are outnumbered by this one Ranger!

Frodo: Wow, we're in Rivendell! Merry: That was easy. Pippin: Don't knock it. Sam: Elves are cool! Elrond: Get the hell out of my place, I don't need trouble. Gimli: You can't throw them out while I'm here! Legolas: Same for me! Elrond: Right, all of you wankers leave now. Gandalf: But I just got here. Boromir: I'll just invite myself along. No real reason. Certainly not because I have larceny on my mind. Nope. Strider: Look, they fixed my sword! (swish) Wheeeee!

Frodo: Such beautiful scenery. The green grass and leaves are so- [THUD] Pippin: Where the hell did all this snow come from? Gandalf: Don't blame me. Who knew that mountains could be cold on top? Gimli: Told you we should go through the mines. Strider: Let the dwarf have his way. Legolas: Fine, whatever, just open the door. Gimli: Ummm, I have no idea how to get inside. Boromir: What a bunch of dicks. Gandalf: Of course! (applies C4 to the problem) [POOF] Sam: Such magic.

Merry: Ooooo, dead dwarf over here! Gimli: Boo hoo. Pippin: HEY MONSTERS, COME AND GET US!! Gandalf: Twit. Orcs: Oh good, we were getting hungry. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to keep an army fed in these abandonded mines? Boromir: (Slash) Legolas: (Pfft) Gimli: (Whack) Orcs: This is definitely putting a damper on our relationship. Frodo: Ouch! Strider: Alas, the Ring-bearer has perished! Our quest has failed! Frodo: Just kidding. I did the slide-blade-between-arm-and-chest trick while I was standing in profile to y'all. Pretty funny, eh? Balrog: Dammit, I was sound asleep. That really ticks me off. Gandalf: We are so doomed. Strider: Not if we run away! (does so) Boromir: First good idea you've had. (follows) hobbits: (already in the lead) Gandalf: (trailing) It matters not! You cannot outrun the demon! Legolas: We don't have to . . . Gimli: . . . we just have to outrun *you*. Balrog: Your ass is mine, wizard. (drags Gandalf down with him) Strider: Woe is upon our company, that Gandalf has fallen! Frodo: I'm over it. Sam: Yeah, let's go, there's no food here.

Legolas: Wondrous are these woods! Gimli: And full of cutthroat elves. Celeborn: We were told of your coming. Well, "warned" is more accurate. Galadriel: I know you better than you know yourselves. Sam: You've got nothing better to do with your time? Galadriel: Wake up, Frodo, and look in the mirror. Frodo: Geez, can't a guy get some sleep around here? What mirror are you babbling about, there's just this birdbath full of water. Galadriel: But it shows magic pictures of things that may or may not be! Frodo: I'm guessing you're a day trader. Here, you take the ring. Galadriel: I will not. (hangs her head) I lost the instructions. Frodo: Great, I'm still stuck with it. Celeborn: Check-out time!

Pippin: (singing) Row row row your boat, gently down- Gimli: Shut the hell up. Seven hours of that is enough. Strider: All this beautiful scenery is giving me a very bad feeling.

Boromir: Give me the ring. Frodo: Notice as I put it on that it not only makes me invisible, it also apparently teleports me away from your clutches. Boromir: Arrrrrgghhh! I'm just trying to save my kingdom! Where is a rake I can step on, that it might strike my head? Ah, this will do nicely. (whack) Frodo: Best thing for me to do now is head for the most dangerous place in the world. Sam: Works for me. (they leave) SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill! Merry: Help, help, Auntie Em! (waves his tiny sword pathetically) Pippin: Christ, look at the size of these guys, we're dead meat. Boromir: Fear not, little hobbits, I shall blow my special horn and we shall be rescued by soldiers . . who are . . hundreds . . of . . miles . . away . . guess we are pretty stuffed after all. (dies) SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill! Legolas: Look at my form. Damn, I'm good. Gimli: I'm environmentally friendly --- blood makes the grass grow. Strider: Looks like Frodo got away. Well, there's no chance in hell I'm going to step one foot closer to Mordor, so let's go the exact opposite direction. Legolas: Okay. Gimli: Sure.


Divide and CONQUER

Nick Tam (IronParrot)
Parody of: "I am the very model of a modern major general" from a Gilbert and Sullivan opera

I am the very model of a hero in Lord of the Rings
Though I am not at all related to the line of Elven-Kings
I was only a hobbit living in the safety of the Shire
Until the day that Gandalf came, threw Bilbo's Ring into the fire.

Then it was I learned about the history of Barad-dur
And understood the actions of the ancient warrior Isildur
I was then beset with something greater than the greatest test
To take the Ring to Mordor and destroy it then became my quest.

To take the Ring to Mordor and destroy it then became his quest
To take the Ring to Mordor and destroy it then became his quest
To take the Ring to Mordor and destroy it then became his quest

Day and night I journeyed with my friend and servant Sam Gamgee
As the Riders clothed in Black rode on the trail and followed me
But yet we managed to elude them, proving among many things
I am the very model of a hero in Lord of the Rings.

But yet they managed to elude them, proving among many things
He is the very model of a hero in Lord of the Rings.

Frodo: Then in the forest we were caught, entangled by that Old Man Willow
Thankfully, we were then rescued by that ol' Tom Bombadillo
But then trouble came again, now in the form of Barrow-Wights
And it was quite a while before we got to safety late one night.

We arrived in Bree that night, and welcomed by old Barliman
But watching us from all around were Southern spies of Saruman
Though we all had a lot of fun, when I began to stand and sing
I slipped and fell and in the process accidentally wore the Ring.

He slipped and fell and in the process accidentally wore the Ring.
He slipped and fell and in the process accidentally wore the Ring.
He slipped and fell and in the process accidentally wore the Ring.

Surely we would have been finished if it weren't for Aragorn
Of the line of Elendil, a Northern Ranger he was born
He was the rightful heir to Gondor and one day he would be King
He is the very model of a hero in Lord of the Rings.

He was the rightful heir to Gondor and one day he would be King
He is the very model of a hero in Lord of the Rings.

Though I was stabbed at Weathertop I still made it to Rivendell
Where I met with Bilbo - did I ever have a tale to tell
We then set off from Elrond's home, now a company of Nine
And Gandalf, he then led us into Moria, the dwarven mines.

Gandalf fought the Balrog, but he fell into the dark abyss
Aragorn led us from there on 'ere the quest should go amiss
We soon met with Galadriel in Lorien, the Golden Wood
And once again set off on foot to Mordor as fast as we could.

And once again set off on foot to Mordor as fast as they could.
And once again set off on foot to Mordor as fast as they could.
And once again set off on foot to Mordor as fast as they could.

Soon we were attacked by orcs, but that was not my greatest fear
Because he tried to take the Ring, did Denethor's son Boromir
I escaped on boat with Sam, thus once again establishing
I am the very model of a hero in Lord of the Rings.

Chorus: He escaped on boat with Sam, thus once again establishing
He is the very model of a hero in Lord of the Rings.



Questionnaire - Are You a Compulsive Ring-bearer?

This series of questions may help you determine if you are a compulsive ring-bearer. Many members of Ring-Bearers Anonymous have answered yes to these questions.

  1. Do you wear the One Ring when you already have rings on every finger?
  2. Do you wear the One Ring for no apparent reason?
  3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after wearing the One Ring?
  4. Do you give too much time and thought to the One Ring?
  5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can wear the One Ring, sneak-up on people, and say "Gollum" or "We hates it precious, we hates it forever!" in their ears?
  6. Do you plan your ring-bearing episodes ahead of time?
  7. Do you wear the One Ring while with others?
  8. Do you wear the One Ring while alone?
  9. Is invisibility affecting the way you live your life?
  10. Have you tried to NOT wear the One Ring for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
  11. Do you resent others (especially Gandalf) telling you to "use a little willpower" and stop wearing the One Ring?
  12. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can give up the One Ring "on your own" whenever you wish?
  13. Do you crave to wear the One Ring at a definite time, day or night?
  14. Do you wear the One Ring to escape from worries or trouble or the Sackville-Bagginses?
  15. Have you ever been treated for invisibility or illusions of grandeur?
  16. Does your ring-bearing behavior make you or others unhappy?

If you answered yes to ANY of these questions you are a compulsive ring-bearer. We await your arrival at the next meeting.

Visit Ring-bearers Anonymous by Margaret Lion




Top Ways to Bug Your Parents with LOTR:
(also works for  "you know your obsessed when....")
1. Next time you get in trouble with your parents, haughtily reply to them, "Gondor has no parents. Gondor needs no parents."

2. Next time you are late and your parents yell at you, say, "I am never late. Nor am I early. I arrive precisely when I mean to."

3. At the dinner table when your mom asks you to hand her the salt/pepper say "If you want it come and claim it!!" OR       Whenever your parents ask you to get up from the table to get the salt and pepper or whatever, tell them this is an important quest and you can't do it alone, or better yet, say "I will do it! I will find the salt shaker... although I do not know where it is."
4. Whenever your parents leave the house, cry, "You need someone of intelligence on this sort of . . . mission . . . quest . . . thing!" Then jump in the car. About half way there, ask, "Where we goin'?"
5. Scream loudly when someone tries to enter the room "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
6.You eye everyone suspiciously and mutter "what has it got in its pocketses?"
7.Whenever you see crows flying overhead, you shriek "Crebain from Dunland!" and dive under the nearest rock.
8. print off 274 pages of a LOTR script, using all the ink and paper in the house...or do the same thing by printing many legolas pics, to show your friends to convince them he IS cuter than Frodo
9. When your parents are driving down the highway, start saying over and over "Noro lim, Noro lim!"
10. Whenever your family goes to the beach, make them sing Legolas' song of the sea all the way there. If they don't know it, teach them line by line and make them sing it over and over again.
11. You continue your debate about how you need sword lessons(in case of Orcs)
12. When you and your parents go to bed,pick up your flashlight and yell"The Light of Galadriel!!"right when your parents are about to fall asleep.
13. You get extremely annoyed when you can't walk on the snow.
14. You walk around singing May It Be wherever you go
15. Try and build a stairway spiralling up the tree to your treehouse.
16. go around classifying people as hobbit, dwarf, elf, half elf, man etc.  (extremely fun...just make sure they don't hear you)
 *these from the council of elrond at thanks to those hilarious people- to many to     mention, but the thread was started by frodo_18
   *strong content

Top 18 reasons you cry over LOTR:

1. The pledge of Sam as he is pulled out of the water in the boat with Frodo, "Don't you lose him Samwise Gamgee, don't you lose him. And I don't mean to."
2. "Gandalf!" Frodo screams as Boromir carries him away when Gandalf falls into Shadow.
3. The fellowships reaction to Gandalf's fall (outside Moria).
4. When Gandalf looks down at a resolute Frodo at Bag End and tells him he is always surprised at Hobbits
5. "And that's an encouraging thought," Gandalf to Frodo in the mines of Moria as they discuss the ring coming to Frodo.
6. "My King." Boromir
7. "I don't suppose we'll ever see them again," Frodo to Sam. Sam's reply, "We may yet still, Mr. Frodo. We may." (this quote might be a little off I am really crying by this part of the movie).
8. The boat with Boromir's body
9. "Let's go hunt some Orc," Aragorn. (Yes I cry is so inspiring).
10. Frodo staring out at the East side of the river towards his path to Mordor with the ring in his hand and tears on his face as he recalls Gandalf's words to him.
11. "I will take the ring, though I do not know the way."
12. Gandalf's reaction to Frodo's accepting the burden of the ring.
13. Frodo gets stabbed and pulls off the ring, sobbing, "Oh Sam."
14. Arwen promising her grace to Frodo as he lie dying by the riverbed.
15. When Frodo is hit by the cave Troll and everyone rushes to him thinking he's dead, and the Sam out of joy and love says "He's alive!"
16. Bilbo hugging Gandalf after his 'transformation'
17. Bilbo apologizing to Frodo for the burden of the ring
18. Frodo to Bilbo: "My own adventure turned out quite different...I'm not like you, Bilbo"
- Elektra1995 and committee of posters  

ooooh..this just workes so well!

Divide and CONQUER

If LOTR was written by a different author

Random blathering:
 What is it with hot warrior guys with pointed ears?  It appears fair maidens are rather taken with them.  And i will stress Orlando is NOT Legolas, he's just a convenient face. Or maybe it is what they try to teach us in school.  Females want the best children so they choose those who they feel will "provide" them with the best.  Look out mortal men.....wouldn't it be so much easier if we were all Nietzscheans
....okay I was reading the LOTP string in Galadriel's Mirror at abd this was so funny my eyes started watering...though it is kind of horrifying to the truth of the was posted by Bernd
Boromir looks in Frodo's pants:

"It is a strange fate that we suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing...such a little thing.".
sorry frodo
Also for those people who think they should have put EVERYTHING in the book....not very many people would have sat thorugh a movie any longer than it was...though I would have.  though tom would have provided some comedy to a otherwise intense movie. but it was excellent as it was, so lets levae it at that and resume the count down to the next movie is released  (just think how many hours that is, i'm not gonna make it...)
My personal grievance is that there was no GLORFINDEL! how could they? he is my fav. elf! I have no idea why but I thought he was wicked funny, along with being the hero of the whole story. I mean if he hadn't saved him, there would have been no story.
who are they going to have travell with elrond to see aragron and arwen married? 

"la la la it goes around the world just la la la"
and "it" would be legol...LOTR fever

Who's your Fellowship fella?
I love to FROLIC with the elves

Who's your Fellowship fella?
I'd love to BLOW the horn of Gondor

Who's your Fellowship fella?
He knows every TRICK in the book

Who's your Fellowship fella?
Tall, dark, and RUGGEDLY handsome!

M * A * S * H

You will marry LEGOLAS from Lord of the Rings, live in an ancient elven palace in the middle of the forest, and spend your days walking on top of snow and rowing ivory boats and just being beautiful.

What's YOUR M * A * S * H future?

Boromir's Rhapsody
    by Hama at
(To be sung to the tune of Queens Bohemian Rhapsody)

Is this the one ring?
Or is this just fakery?
Those rings of power,
They all look the same to me.

Put on the ring,
And watch as I fade away.
I'm just from Gondor,
Im just a normal bloke.

And now I need that ring,
Need it now,
Fight the orcs,
Kill them all.

Ringwraith, Troll or Balrog,
Doesn't really matter to me,
To me...

Father, Ive got a plan
Get that hobbit by his head
Get my sword out, then he's dead.
Father, take him from behind,
And then I'll have that ring to take away.

Father, ooh-ooh
Gotta give my plan a try,
I have to take that ring and rule the world,
Rule them all, rule them all,
'cause that is whatll happen.

Too late, that hobbits gone.
Whipped that ring out very fast,
Put it on and kicked my arse.
Too late everybody, my plan has failed
And now Ive gone and thrown it all away.

Father, ooh ooh,
This fate is very cruel,
I sometimes wish I'd never done this at all.


I see a little goblin running up the hill,
Uruk-hai, Uruk-Hai,
There are far too many of them.
Arrows coming for me
Very very nasty

Blow the horn (Blow the horn)
Blow the horn (Blow the horn)
Blow the horn and swing your sword
O Aragooorn!
(No no no no no no no no no No)

One of them has stabbed me, somebody help me
One of them has stabbed him, get him to a hospital
Stand well back
Youve got to give him air.

I'm just a stewards son, of the stewards family
He's just the stewards son, of the stewards family
Spare him his life from his Pork Sausages!

(I have no idea how this lyric got in here! But if you listen to the original, it's what they say!)

Breathe deeply, Ouch!
Ill get that arrow out, There it goes!
Breathe deeply, Ouch!
Ill get that arrow out, There it goes!
Breathe deeply, Ouch!
Ill get that arrow out, There it goes!
Ill get that arrow out, There it goes!
Ill get that arrow out, There it goes!

There it go-oo-oo-oo-ooes!

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, goodness gracious,
goodness gracious,
goodness gracious, what a mess!

Lord Mandos has set another place aside
for me... for me... for me!

So you think you can steal things and think it's all right?
So you think that the one ring will give you the right?
Ohh sailor, now you see youre a failure,
You just had to try,
You just had to try out your plan here....

The one ring really matters,
it matters just to me.
The one ring really matters,
the one ring really matters,
To me

Listen as my horn blows.

The Mouth of Sauron
LOTR & Political Correctness
All unite against the PC police! The lighter side of political correctness in LOTR...

Politically Correct Tolkien
Posted by Whistler at

Here are a handful of minor suggestions which, I think, will make the films more accessible and acceptable to all:

+ I feel strongly that the films should omit all scenes involving the use of weapons as a means of conflict resolution. This done, all swords, battle-axes and other phallic symbols can be omitted from the films entirely. The characters should instead talk to each other until they understand the cultural and socio-economic differences which cause their trivial misunderstandings. Ultimately everyone must learn that all opinions and lifestyles are equally valid and worthy of respect - except, of course, for those which contradict THIS viewpoint.

+ The character of Sauron must be re-interpreted altogether. He is actually a fine fellow, considering his background. He has endured millennia of psychological abuse by the domineering Morgoth (a typical father-figure) whose will was always law and who gave no thought to the self-esteem of his cowering subordinates. Further, Sauron has been de-sensitized to cruelty by constant exposure to (as well as non-consensual participation in) tens of thousands of barbaric acts. We can only be grateful that he was not exposed to television as well.

+ No allowances are made for Sauron's disability (a missing hand) and no mention is made of the psychological trauma resulting from the needless violent act which caused it. I suggest, in the films, that Sauron be depicted as a victim of post-traumatic stress syndrome.

+ While Sauron's inhumanity may be excused, his shameless environmental abuses are obviously matters of concern. For these, he must be required to submit to rehabilitation in an eco-sensitivity program, and to plant trees.

+ The orcs must be omitted. The notion of an inherently degraded and inferior race of beings is deeply objectionable, reeking of British imperialism. An alternative solution might be to give them little teacups and dialogue like: "Dear me! You look smashing in that chain mail, Reginald!"

+ Similarly, the notion of a SUPERIOR race (the Elves) is unfair to those who have not yet experienced self-actualization. The elves must also be omitted! Still, if they were physically challenged (in wheelchairs, perhaps) they might inspire less of the understandable contempt which people feel for the wise and gifted. So throw them out, or make their lives a living hell! It's only fair.

+ The suggestion that prominent, politically-incorrect actors* be cast as Sauron, Saruman and company is well-intentioned, though misguided. There is a danger that the genuine depravity of these people might reflect upon audience impressions of the "bad" characters, all of whom are merely victims of various injustices. Really sweet people - Julia Roberts, for example - are more appropriate for these roles.

+ What's this "Dark Lord" business? Is it a racist suggestion that black is bad, while white is good? Omit this nonsense!

+ Much has been made of the comparative insignificance of the female characters. Should their roles be expanded, then? Certainly not! What are women doing, after all, in this pageant of machismo? Isn't this whole sorry mess the result of the endless quest for dominance that drives these testosterone-crazed fools? Women are above such idiocy. Send them off to Valinor and let them live as the goddesses they are.

+ Obviously, there must be no scenes in which characters are allowed to smoke! My suggestion is that the smoking of pipes be replaced by the chewing of a bio-degradable Elven gum. And why do these people drink wine, beer and other poisons in a pre-industrial age when water is tainted only by organic animal waste?

+ The obvious homo-erotic relationships between many of the characters (if not, indeed, most of them) must be fully explored. Tolkien, the victim of 19th Century sexual repression and his own religious superstitions, could not address this subject directly; we must go where he dared not, even though he didn't know he wanted to go there.

+ Let us be painfully honest: what is there to admire about this dead white man? Racist, ethno-centrist, religious, a user of tobacco - the list goes on and on. I propose that his name be omitted from the film credits.

+ Indeed, why should there be film credits at all? In this great global village, we are all equal contributors. Crediting one with this, and another with that, is inherently unfair and incompatible with the spirit of community.

+ Prior to release, the films should be screened by a committee of sensitive and enlightened people, chosen by - Ted Turner, perhaps. This committee should be allowed to edit any material judged potentially offensive to any group - except, of course, for those groups disliked by the committee.

+ Finally, the finished films (if made along the very positive lines I describe) should be presented, as a public service and by governmental mandate, at NO charge! New Line will probably object to the loss of its $180 million, but it is time for the winners of life's lottery to experience the deprivation of those less fortunate, whom they have historically victimized. Let these rich rascals spend some time as migrant workers!

Many, many other changes must be made; these will do for a beginning! I believe that my suggestions are entirely reasonable and will be embraced by all. Together, we can turn this failed book into a film testament of tolerance and brotherhood...a gift to our children, a gift to the 21st Century!

O brave new world!

divide and conquer


Strider: International Ranger of Mystery

"Dartho guin berian.  Rych le ad tolthathon."













divide and conquer
Pretty Sly (for a Shire Guy)
Posted by e-mail
Pretty Sly (for a Shire Guy)
A parody.
By Elukhin Glaurist

Gollum :Give it to us Frodo
Frodo : Uh-uh, Uh-uh

Gollum :Give it to us Frodo
Frodo : Uh-uh, Uh-uh

Gollum :Give it to us Frodo
Frodo : Uh-uh, Uh-uh

And all the Nazgul say I'm pretty sly for a Shire-guy
Yeah way back in the third age
when all the world was new
there was a guy named Sauron
and he forged a ring or two!
Seven for the dwarf lords
down in their halls of stone!
Nine for the mortal men,
and one to call his own!

Then Elendil Came
with his claim to fame
he stole the ring
and with an arrow he was slain!
The ring went downstream,
and Gollum saw its gleam
He stole it fast!
He stole it fast!!
Beneath a mountain king,
That's where he took the ring!
And then the Baggins came and took it
and of that the bards will sing!
So find that Broken Sword and

Gollum :Give it to us Frodo
Frodo : Uh-uh, Uh-h

Gollum :Give it to us Frodo
Frodo : Uh-uh, Uh-h

Gollum :Give it to us Frodo
Frodo : Uh-uh, Uh-h

And all the Nazgul say I'm pretty sly for a shire Guy!

Bilbo gave it to his nephew
a hobbit I am told
He took the ring to Rivendell
(T'was really quite bold)
They sent out the nine walkers
and they went out on a quest!
To go and destroy the ring
and maybe save the west!

To  Moria they went
Man they were really spent
When the Balrog appeared
and to heaven Gandalf went
Aragorn led out
They all went to pout
Poor Gandalf's Gone!
Poor Gandalf's Gone!
They went to Lorien
And Frodo Ran from them
and then Sam came to the rescue
And was a big help in the end!
So find Orodruin

Gollum :Give it to us Frodo
Frodo : Uh-uh, Uh-h

Gollum :Give it to us Frodo
Frodo : Uh-uh, Uh-h

Gollum :Give it to us Frodo
Frodo : Uh-uh, Uh-h

And all the Nazgul say I'm pretty sly for a Shire-Guy

Frodo tamed Gollum
and then He led them
To Cirith Ungol
And then abandoned them.
Frodo fought Shelob,
got bit and went numb
So Sam saved him,
Yeah Sam saved him!
So they continued east
And fought many beasts
Then they got to Mt. Doom
and in it the ring was tossed!
They fought the orcish hordes
It kind got them bored
They fought those evil Hordes

    -um ya know if they replaced "gollum" with "fan girls" well that just be.....yeah

divide and conquer


What Saruman Was Really Doing

From a rec.arts.books.tolkien posting by Warren Chang <>, originally titled "ENOUGH of the GANDALF BULLSH*T!!!!". Dated 12 December 1996.

A recent poster writes:

I never knew that they [the Blue Wizards] travelled with Saruman. That's interesting. Is it possible that Saruman led them astray so that he could easier control the remaining Istari?

No, it isn't. Stop spreading lies about Saruman! It's bad enough the spin doctors led by Galadriel and Gandalf completely rewrote the real history of the War of the Ring.

Pay attention, for here is the TRUTH!!!

  • The "Uruk-Hai", which GanDOLT's minions claim were interbred man-orcs that pillaged Rohan under his orders, were actually part of a humanitarian project of Saruman's to "reconvert" the Orcs into peaceful, non-evil creatures. That they looked like half-men and did not fear the Sun attest to his progress on this front. Sadly, when they tried to join up with the Rohirrim to ride to Gondor, they were brutally massacred. To be fair, the Riders were not mere butchers, but were misled into the act by GanDOLT, who did not want to see Saruman succeed in so mighty a task.

  • Similarly, ganDOLT roused the Ents against Saruman with clever half-truths, who in truth had never done anything to harm them. Some Orcs from Mordor had started to cut down trees and some foresters with white hats forayed occasionally on the borders of Fangorn (it was the fashion then), but these were in no way related to Saruman.

  • Grima, or "Wormtongue" as ganDOLT's people unkindly called him, really did have Theoden's best interests in mind. But ganDOLT wanted Theoden out of the way so his patsy Eomer could rule in Edoras. He played on their family loyalty to get them to kick out Grima, and sent Theoden to his death at the Pelennor. Come on, sending an 80-year-old man fighting hand-to-hand in a war? Only the silver tongue and staff of ganDOLT could have had the heart to do such a thing.

  • It is true that Saruman was trying to make a new Ring, but not quite as ganDOLT claimed. It was not intended to help him to become a new Sauron, but to release the Three from the One's dominion. ganDOLT did not even consider this possibility, but foolishly trusted his own ego rather than Saruman's superior Ringlore.

    Saruman did use a palantir to talk to Sauron but he never fell under his domination, for Saruman was too powerful for that.

  • Saruman was indeed looking for the Ring but that is because he did not know where it was, since he was not invited to Elrond's council where the Quest was formed (another attempt by ganDOLT to supplant Saruman as head of the Order). He wanted to find it before Sauron did, and not knowing of the Quest to destroy the Ring, sent out some of his cleaned-up Gorcs ("Good Orcs") to see if they could find Frodo and convince him to hand it over. Saruman would have broken it apart and used its power to fuel his new non-evil Ring, and raised up Numenor and Beleriand from the Sea, restoring the grandeur of the Second Age. Alas, ganDOLT's ego ruined all this, and the Elves and Numenoreans were doomed to diminish forever.

  • After the Ring was destroyed, Saruman went back to Valinor and told them about ganDOLT's meddling. The Grey Fool knew this, and knowing that he would be in hot water when he got back, took his time in returning. He also instructed his Hobbit henchmen to write in a few chapters in their history maligning Saruman. Yes! The parts about Saruman being cast from the Order and messing up the Shire are pure FICTION.

    The TRUTH was recorded by a few honest scribes, mainly by Gorcs who had survived the massacre and a few Dunlendings who were horrified at the massacre (quite a few Dunlendings were also killed in the atrocious frenzy), but since the only record that has come down to us is the calumnous Red Book of Westmarch, only a distorted view of events remain.

So stop bashing Saruman, and stop jocking GANDOLT!!


divide and conquer

Arwen, the Warrior Babe

From a rec.arts.books.tolkien posting by Öjevind Lĺng, dated 14 August 1999.

When dawn arrived in Rivendell
and painted distant summits red
was Arwen first to heed the bell
and leave her sumptuous Elven bed.
She dressed in chainmail bra and helm
and leather boots of sexy taste;
and bright red garb to overwhelm
all men - a skirt slit to the waist.

She also packed some other things
that she could use when she was done:
a liberated babe who swings
needs contraceptives for her fun.
Fidelity to distant swain
is nonsense to a Valley girl;
an unconventional female thain
will not neglect a well-hung churl.

She then went down to Shadowfax -
a horse too good for wizard fools.
The sun shone in her hair of flax
(forget the book - it's blonde that rules).
She saddled up, took sword in hand
('tis more adorning in that style)
and spurred the horse into the land
where Angmar's King once built his pile.

While riding hell for leather she
did distant darkling specks descry:
some riding with great energy
while others circled in the sky.
The spying crebain she ignored -
who cares for storm-crows and such trash?
But Nazgűl heading for the Ford!
By Eru! Those she'd slice and smash!

She spurred her horse to greater speed
and thundered down to Bruinen's brink.
Upon the other strand she saw
her fiancé from Nazgűl shrink.
"Oh, Estel! Don't you fear!" she cried,
"I'll help you out of this one too.
Once more you'll se what female pride
and strength and caring values do."

The Morgul-chief was seen to glow
in Spirit-world, by evil spell;
but she, with one one resounding blow,
struck off his head, and down he fell.
The other eight, with screams of fright,
suggested that she call it quits,
but she insisted on a fight
(or slaughter), hacking them to bits.

"Oh, Arwen, Arwen," Strider sobbed,
"What would I do if not for thee?"
He looked at her and his heart throbbed,
but she just said: "Well, come and see!
We have a guest in daddy's house,
a hefty guy called Boromir;
and he's not frightened like a mouse;
or sexless like a gelded steer."

"But, Arwen, by our plighted trust -"
he stammered, but she just replied:
"Go find another if you must,
the love I felt for you has died.
Oh yeah, and there's one matter more:
your silly claim to be a king;
it's now another thing of yore,
for Borry will get crowned come spring.

"My daddy thinks it's really cool
to finally get me off his hands.
When I and Borry Gondor rule
dad will know peace in Northern lands:
no questing, butchering, riding wild
and noisy trumpets every place
when (as he says) 'My crazy child
will other lands with sword-play grace.'

"Well, that is that: come, Frodo, here!
You have possession of a thing
that you will now no longer bear:
that really groovy Master Ring.
We'll need it to extend our sway
from Umbar to the Northern Shore."
When Frodo tried to run away
she cut him down, and said no more.

Back towards Imladris she rode,
and of the four she left behind
three knelt by Frodo, but one strode
Bree-wards, then stumbled as if blind.
And so the plot found fitter scope
that cut down on the surplus roles
and made the film producers hope
their work would top in all the polls.


There once was an evil Black Rider,
Who was chasing some Hobbits and Strider.
Arwen Warrior Princess stepped in,
Gave him a blow to the chin,
And he ran away, too scared to fight her.

-submitted by JK


divide and conquer


Kayrea, I found the see through shirt pic!you know how long it took..! geez, you think something like that would be easier to find

heres the troublemaker..


divide and conquer

Okay, tell me again what you thought of Orli, then look at the pic, then repeat it, if you can


never again will sucj a *shocking* pic be seen on this here site...we don't do nekkid men here

The LOTR Cast as Cars
by Jester_rm
  • Frodo: Honda Civic Small but can take a heck of a licking and keep on ticking
  • Sam:  Toyota pickup plain, hauls a lot and runs forever
  • Merry:  Buick Regal a little more upscale than your average hobbit
  • Pippin:  Hyundai Tiburon - Young, sporty, eager, but needs refinement
  • Gandalf:  Jensen Interceptor Classic, much more power than it appears to have
  • Boromir:  Mustang GT350 Good ol fashioned muscle, but not too refined
  • Aragorn:  Porsche 911 No nonsense performance
  • Legolas:  Lotus Super 7.  Light, fast and nimble
  • Gimli:  Jeep Wrangler.  Small but eminently capable
  • Bill the Pony:  Chevy pickup
  • Shadowfax:  Ferrari Testarossa, born to run, preferably white
  • Eowyn:  Jaguar XKR, nice around town, but itches for the open road
  • Arwen:  BMW 7 series, Luxury with the potential for performance
  • Galadriel:  Deusenberg J Model Ultimate classic in all ways



  • Denethor--any old used car--to make do with until the real thing, the King of cars comes  (Rolls-Royce?)



  • Sauron would be an uninspected, overloaded semi barreling down the highway with no brakes
  • Rosie would be a Dodge Caravan minivan.
  • The orcs would be Ford SUVs with Firestone tires -- outwardly intimidating, but prone to blowouts and rollovers
  • Bilbo would be a Volkswagen Beetle (either old or new, take your pick)

--Idril Celebrindal


  • Shelob, a black Golf GTI... ...sneaks up behind you and totally EVIL.



  • Saruman - A shiny white MG Midget.  It's quick and looks good, but there's something not-quite-right under the hood.
  • Theoden - A WWII half-track.  Looks old, and doesn't start up easily, but it keeps on going once it starts.  It's not likely to see a woman traveling with one.
  • Faramir - A municipal bus.  Shows up late (but not *too late*), but it brings a lot of people with it.
  • Wormtongue - Beat up 70's sedan.  Might have been nice once, but now it's...  bought cheap.



  • Smaug, a tricked-out gold '74 Eldorado?  



  • Galadriel: A Citroen DS. Timeless, looks a bit strange, but enchanting nevertheless.
  • One of those Audi A6 offroads. Good at both cruising down the motorway at 80 and also getting stuck in on dirt tracks


  BACK TO FAN CREATIVE WRITINGS HOME Go to Fan Creative Writing Home



A nightmare visit to McDonalds following the release of "The Fellowship of the Ring":

Cashier: Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order?
Customer: Yeah, lemme get a #3 McTheoden.
Cashier: O.K. sir. Would you like to Urak-Hai-size that?
Customer: Yeah. With a diet Mountain Doom to drink. Oh, and an onion ring.
Cashier: You want an order of Onion Rings?
Customer: No, just the one ring.
Cashier: Just one ring?
Customer (scowling): One, Ring.
Customer's Wife: Don't forget the order of Nazgul Nuggets. Oh, and a Boromir Burger with Lembas Lettuce, Merry Mayonnaise, Pippin Pickles, and Orodruin Special Sauce.
Cashier: I take it you want the Three-Ring Combo, complete with Uruk-Hai sized Elven fries and Balrog sized drink?
Customer: (Sigh) Yeah, and two Mount Mindolluin Ice Creams.
Cashier: "Black Rider" chocolate, "Gandalf the White" vanilla, or "Minas Tirith/Minas
Morgul" mix?
Customer: Make them both "Gandalf the White".
Customer: But those are for the really little kids. We should get you a "Gimli Meal", for
kids slightly larger in stature than Hobbits.
Cashier: Okay. Oh, and the Gimli Meals come with a pack of LEGO-las construction
blocks. Is that okay?
Customer: Thanks
Customer's Kids: Yaaaayy! LEGO-las!
Cashier: So I have a McTheoden Three-Ring Combo with a diet Mountain Doom, a Nazgul Nugget Three-Ring Combo, a Boromir Burger, two "Gandalf the White" Mount Mindolluin Ice Creams, and two Gimli Meals. Is that correct?
Customer: Yeah.
Cashier: What drinks would you like with your Nazgul Nuggets and Gimli Meals?
Customer: Make all three of them "Nimrodel" 7-Up's.
Cashier: Okay, your total is...
Customer: Wait! Can you change that McTheoden to a...
Customer: Um...never mind.

-submitted by JR


Green Eggs And Lembas

by Whistler

Excerpt from a screenplay for THE LORD OF THE RINGS inspired by Dr. Seuss, written by Whistler

(Scene: Bag End, after Bilbos party)

That Samwise-Sam! That Samwise-Sam!
I do not like that Samwise-Sam!

Would you like some bread and jam?

I do not want your bread and jam.
I'm busy being mad at Sam.
He likes to sneak. He likes to spy.
Ill grind him up for hobbit pie!

Oh, do not grind him up for pie!
He is a pretty handy guy.
He mows my grass. He paints my gate.
He is my friend. We both are straight.

Well, then, I will not grind up Sam!
Bring me bread, and bring me jam!
Well talk about another thing.
Tell me, do you have the Ring?

I have the Ring. I have It here.
But, mercy me! Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
I fear the Ring is very bad,
The golden ring that Bilbo had!
Tell me, will you take the Ring?

I will not take that evil thing!

Would you, could you, by the fire?
Would you, could you, in the Shire?

I would not, could not, by the fire.
I would not, could not, in the Shire.

Would you, could you, in a tree?
Would you, on the road to Bree?
Would you, with an orc or troll?
Would you, in a hobbit-hole?

I would not, could not, in a tree.
I would not, on the road to Bree.
I would not, with an orc or troll.
I would not, in a hobbit-hole.
I will not take It here or there,
I will not take It anywhere!
For It is bad. Its as you say.
Youll have to take that Ring away
And throw it in the Cracks of Doom!

Ill need a friend. But who, or whom?

(Gandalf produces Sam, who has been spying)

Oh, Master! Master! Sam is here!
Hell wash me down with beer, I fear!
I do not wish to be a pie!

I will not eat you, little spy!
But I will send you far away.
You both will go away today.
Youll go to Bree. A man is there.
The man looks foul. The man feels fair.
Hell lead you both, if all goes well,
To meet the elves in Rivendell.

Oh, Master! We will meet the elves!
Well get to meet the elves ourselves
And hear them sing their elven songs!
Well hear them bong their elven-gongs
And strum their elven loola-lutes!
Theyll hoot their elven hooty-toots!

I hope you'll hear those loola-lutes
And hear the hoots of hooty-toots!
But go with care. To be a pie
Is better than to meet the Eye!
The Eye is mean. The Eye is red.
He rules nine Riders. They are dead.
Theyll try to make you dead, as well.
But will they catch you? Time will tell!

Oh, dear! Oh, dear! This is a mess!
Well have to fix this mess, I guess.
So we will go, just Sam and me.
And what will happen? We will see!


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10 Scenes in Lord Of The Rings Stolen From Other Films

by Strider

10) Bilbo shows Frodo his secret cavern under Bag End that houses his Hobbitman costume and the Hobbitmobile.

9) Gandalf tells Frodo that he is a Terminator Maiar from the future who has come to protect him from the SauronNet corporation.

8) Frodo drag-races in Hobbiton against Bill Ferny to afford enough money to take the ferry over the BrandyWine.

7) During the battle between the men of Gondor and the men of Harad, Sam and Frodo are amazed too see the legendary Tyrannophaunt Rex burst out of the tress and proceed to eat a man hidden in a nearby hut.

6) While Gimli and Legolas are staying in Lórien, Legolas turns to Gimli and asks "Hey Gimli, you know what they call lembas in France?" Gimli responds, "No, what?" "Lembas royale." Gimli replies, "Dang thats whacked man."

5) Gollums finger lights up as he guides Frodo and Sam through Mordor, asking them to, "Phone home, my precioussss."

4) Merry, insane by staring at Sauron through the palantír, mumbles something about being part of the Matrix.

3) When the Fellowship depart from Rivendell, and begin to sing "Were off to see the Wizard, the evil old Wizard of Mordor!"

2) As the men of Gondor and Rohan go into battle against the legions of Sauron, Aragorn shouts, "You can take our Ring, but you can never take our freeeeeeeeeeedom."

1) At the very end of Return of the King, Frodo departs from the Grey Havens moments later his ship is hit by an iceberg.

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*these last articles from -the creative fan writings section!

The Hastily Assembled 1 Page LOTR



                        BREAKING LOTR NEWS!!!!

Oh Heck! ROTK having to be re-filmed!

Unfortunately due to a massive legal oversight on behalf of Peter Jackson the entire third film is having to be reshot. Worst of all, contractual obligations mean Ian McKellan is unavailiable for the reshoot so his part has been re-cast. And Peter Jackson today named the man stepping into the celebrated Shakespearian actors shoes as .. fellow antipodean, Steve Irwin aka. 'The Crocodile Hunter'. "We've had to change some of the script to suit Steve," said director, Jackson "but the huge fan base shouldn't notice much of a difference" Here's a short excerpt from the re-worked script...

From the battle of Cormellan...

Aragorn: "Form a circle! Pippin, stay close! Here they come!"
Gandalf: "Danger Danger Danger! Crikey, look at all those orcs, oh boy this is REAAAALY dangerous!"
*A huge Cave troll smashes through the front lines and confronts Gandalf/Steve*
Gandalf: "Oooh Danger, he's a little bit nippy" *to troll in voice you would talk to a small baby with* "You wanna smash me with your club don'cha, yes you do, you're alright mate, you're alright."
*The troll swings his huge club at Gandalf but he dodges just in time*
Gandalf: "Whooah, he nearly tagged me then, if he'd of got me then I'd be a GONNA! Woohoo! Danger!" *to troll in silly voice again* "You're a naughty boy aint'cha, yes you are"

What follows is a 6 minute long action sequence where Gandalf puts himself in the way of various enraged creatures whilst exclaiming how dangerous it is. He hops about teasing them and trying to get as close as possible to some without getting killed horribly.

Jackson said today... "Steve is a very popular figure and I can't see anyone having any well founded problems with him being in the film."

On phoning Sir Ian McKellan earlier he was at first incredulous but on confirming the reported change I was subjected to a barrage of rude language followed by a dull thud. Sir Ian has since been unavailable for comment.

I for one can't wait to see how the film turns out cos I think that crazy Australian *bleep* is great, that's all for now.

- Baron Wilderness


4in Travelers Frequent Pony, Tangle Tongues

The Prancing Pony in Bree reports there have been frequent linguistic problems as they serve a diverse and wide-ranging panorama of travelers from all countries, as well as the local populace. The language barriers can be daunting at times, especially for the employees. One of our reporters brings us this discussion at the Inn to illustrate how this topic that has become more prevalent of late...

White Rider: (intently) "...I mean, when we get someone coming in here from some far off place who-knows-where, and you can't understand a blessed thing they say, what do you do?"

Old Gaffer: (scratching his head with a garden trowel) "I know they're speaking the Common Tongue, but I admit, their accent makes them sound kinda furrin sometimes."

Primula: (looking back towards the door) "Lower your voice. I think I see one coming in now. We don't want to offend them by making fun of the way they talk, now do we?"

White Rider: "I do!"

Old Gaffer: "Well..."

Primula: "Hush!"

Chatty Patron: "hi is ne1 here i am thirsty cn u get a drink 4me"

Primula: "Um...sure. What would you like?"

Chatty Patron: "i dono i m not 2 sure r u barkeep"

Primula: "Wait. Are you asking if I'm not sure, or are you saying you aren't sure?"

Chatty Patron: "u meen"

Primula: "I'm not trying to be mean...wait. You're asking me what I mean, right? I mean, I'm not being mean, I'm just asking if you are saying I am sure or if you are sure about...oh never mind. I'm kind of confused now."

Chatty Patron: "yah & i m thirsty & ur not givin me a drink"

Primula: "Excuse me? Oh. Here, have a drink."

Chatty Patron: "10q its good i m goin2 pay u 4 it l8r."

Primula: "Huh?"

Chatty Patron: "ill hav $ l8r 2 pay u i hop u dont mind"

Primula: "Uh...tell you what, you being a stranger and all, how about that drink is on the house."

Chatty Patron: "10q u r swet c u l8r"

Primula: "....right."

White Rider: "See? I told you - we need to hire a multilingual barkeeper or something!..."

- Primula


Coming Soon from New Line

Coming Soon from New Line... A martial arts masterpiece set in the ancient Orient.

With the visualy stunning backdrop of ancient China, this epic film is a truly spectacular cinematic experience.

Set in fuedal China and directed by Angbad Lee, this is the amazing story of a warrior, Li MuBaggins, and his famous sword 'The Green DeStingny'.

An epic tale of love, honour, revenge and mushrooms.

With the use of state of the art 'Hong Kong' style 'wire work' special effects, the fight scenes are more spectacular than ever before. Including the climactic battle between Li (Chow Yun Fatty Bolger) and the evil arachnid, Jade Pox. (Voiced by Michelle Yo-vanna)

In theatres this summer....

Crouching Spider, Hidden Baggins.

- Baron Wilderness


Consumer Report: "Environmentally Friendly" steed doesn't make the grade

If I were you, I'd be very little concerned with the warranty: fell beasts don't generally break down or become ill. History has proven this statistic time and time again; in fact, they're very hard to eliminate when the need arises! However, for the record, the factory standard warranty is a one-year contract, with a five-year limited extended warranty available at an upgrade cost of 5%, (that is, 2.5% of the cost of the vehicle, or "steed") or a lifetime warranty (your life, not the steed's) available at a 2.5% price increase. It's a pretty good deal, but the extra cost is really unnecessary.

As to forage costs, that is where this vehicle fails its test drive. Sure, they get great mileage, and if you've checked out the speeds these babies can clock, it might seem any cost would be worth it. However... tests have shown that, upon closer inspection, Nazgul Winged Steeds are not as environmentally friendly as they seem at first.

Fuel: Nazgul steeds, unlike airplanes or automobiles, run not on fossil fuels but on live feed (pets, hobbits, other small prey). In addition, they generally only need to refuel about once a month, obviously depending on mileage. Unfortunately, the cost in legal expenses and "hush money" outweigh any possible savings in that sector.

Also, long-term suspicion and ostracism are high prices to balance with any short-term popularity and awe inspired by the initial purchase and use of this vehicle. Typically, owners of the Nazgul Winged Steed find that after an initial peak, their popularity soon starts to dwindle and then plummet (usually in proportion to the number of miles traveled and [consequently] fuel consumed).

All this must be taken into account when deciding whether to purchase a Winged Steed.

Pollution: As far as gaseous emissions, these steeds seem to fall within reasonable levels of pollution. However, breath which instills panic into the hearts of those around, as well as a presence which repels all creatures in the vicinity, can not accurately be described as environmentally friendly!

Disposal costs: Actually, it is practically impossible to dispose of a Winged Steed once you have purchased one: the resale value goes through the basement at the first fueling, and as I pointed out before, demolition of any Fell Beast of this sort is nearly impossible.

All of these things must be taken into account when deciding whether to purchase a Winged Steed. Overall, I give the Nazgul Winged Steed an emphatic one (1) Steed Star, and recommend instead the Rohan Steed Shadowfax, which blew the top off all the tests and earned an unprecedented nine (9) Steed Stars from our eclectic panel of testers and valuators. [Please see our other Consumer Reports articles for more details on this incredible deal.]

- ainalorn


Newsflash: Ritchie Cunningham Steals The One Ring

LOS ANGELES, CA - Reports are just coming in that indicate that Ritchie Cunningham of Milwaukee, WI (a.k.a. Ron Howard, also uses the alias Opie Taylor) has stolen The One Ring from Mr. Frodo Baggins of The Shire, Middle Earth. The theft apparently took place at the Golden Globe Awards, after Mr. Cunningham lost the award for Best Director. Mr. Baggins, at the awards in disguise as Elijah Wood, was just returning from a trip to the loo when he was acosted by Mr. Cunningham.

"He was not himself," Baggins reported. "He seemed like such a nice fellow... but the Ring had taken him."

Cunningham apparently used the reflection from his head to blind Mr. Baggins, who tripped and fell. Eye witnesses report hearing Cunningham mutter "It could have been mine... It should have been mine... Give it to me!!!!" He then ripped the ring from Mr. Baggins' necklace, put on the ring, and disappeared.

"I tried to find the proper authorities to warn them, but I did not know the way," Mr. Baggins, visibly shaken, later recounted to the L.A.P.D.

When asked to comment, Cunningham's mother Marion only had this short statement. "Ritchie is such a good boy. I'm sure there has just been a misunderstanding." The Fonz could not be reached for comment. Detectives are investigating the theft.

In an unrelated story, Price, Waterhouse, and Cooper accountants could not explain the sudden disappearance of the envelope containing the Golden Globe Best Drama Picture winner.

"One minute, it was in my hand, the next, it was gone," Mel Gibson, the award's presenter noted. "However, I heard a voice whispering something about A Beautiful Mind winning or we would face 'the doom of men' so I grabbed a blank envelope and improvised."

Detectives have decided not to investigate the matter.

- Pippin's Scarf


Announcement: Shipping of LOTR Membership Packets

Decipher announced today that little Freddy Bagwell from Secausus, New Jersey has been selected to deliver all the membership packets to LOTR fanclub members. It wasn't his choice, but he has reluctantly agreed to do it. "I do not know the way," he said, so Decipher agreed to give him a map. He will set out on foot with 8 companions from around the world. It is expected that not all of the "fellowship" (they're called that because they're all fellows and they'll take a ship to get to international addresses) will reach the final destinations. They will be attacked at every turn by snow and rain and heat and gloom of night attempting to stay them from their appointed rounds.

Unconfirmed rumors indicate that one of the fellowship has already fallen. Apparently his last words were "Fly, you fools," seeming to suggest that the fellowship might have been better served using air mail.

At the end of the job, Freddy, who will certainly be tired, "stretched," and thin from all that walking, will be allowed to retire in the west in the fabled land called Hollywood.



NEWSFLASH - lotrfc.jan.02nz Wellington, NZ

"Rings" Director Reveals Truth Behind Special Effects

In a recent interview, Director Peter Jackson (of the recent blockbuster, *Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring*) admitted that many of the special effects previously discussed were, in fact, much simpler than had been related. "The promotional department always wanted it to sound more high-tech," he said, "so rather than have one more set of people nagging at me all the time, I told them to go ahead and say whatever sounded good to them. I guess they felt the public needed to be impressed with techniques that sound more complicated."

It turns out the many ways in which the actors were supposedly changed in size for the movie were all "just made up - they sounded good at night, after a couple beers. And the press liked it."

Jackson admits it is time the truth was out.

"You probably realize by now, what with all these publicity appearances and all, that all of the actors are the same height. We decided that every actor had to be exactly 6' for this to work, and they wouldn't have been hired otherwise. I mean, what would we do? Elevator shoes? Putting them down on their knees? People just like to believe that Elijah Wood is short, like a hobbit. He's exactly 6-foot, just like John Rhys-Davies and Liv Tyler."

So how did they get them to appear so different on film? "It's an old cinematic trick. We just use really tall or really short cameramen. Why, the whole camera team for the hobbits were usually employed playing College Basketball. Not a one under 7'5". And the guys that worked with the actor that played the Balrog, and the Troll, were, um, vertically challenged! (laughs). I mean, remember when you were really young and how tall your dad looked to you? Was your dad really tall? No, of course not! You were short! We just employ this perspective with film."

Surprisingly, Jackson has had a lot of success with applying this in other areas of his craft. "We did have a hard time finding enough cameramen to film the epic battle sequences," he says, "since it takes hundreds of them to make the 15 soldiers we had look like an army. When the cameramen were all lined up for that opening scene, they made a caravan about a mile long!" Other applications were easier and very useful. "We found we could save a lot of valuable time and money in the Make-Up Dept by employing really ugly cameramen. I mean, Orlando Bloom is pretty average looking, really, but his cameraman was exceptionally clumsy and homely, so on camera Orlando looks great! And Elijah's cameraman - whew! He's a great guy, and didn't mind having to wear that paper bag over his head too much, but it was a challenge to find a qualified cameraman who was both tall and ugly enough!" Jackson pauses to scratch his feet. "The technique can backfire in some ways, I suppose," and here Jackson shifted a bit uncomfortably, "since the guy who has an exclusive contract to film my personal appearances is a relative of Fran's and I can't really change who he is without hurting her feelings."

Our interviewer noted that the man who was filming this interview was very tall, lean and bald as a billiard ball. "Does it bother you that the public thinks you are short, chubby and hairy when you really resemble Pierce Brosnan closely enough to be his brother?"

"Oh, it used to," Jackson laughs, "but the public likes to think of me as resembling a hobbit, so I've grown accustomed to it."

- Primula



The hobbits will be debuting their newly-trained bobsledding crew at the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, Utah. The four-man crew trained in New Zealand for 17 months and will be bringing their custom-designed bobsleds made from bathtubs. Crew members include Frodo Baggins of Hobbiton, Peregrin Took of Hobbiton, Meriadoc Brandybuck of Buckland, and Samwise Gamgee of Hobbiton, and they are coached by famous Elf skiing champion Legolas Greeleaf. When asked what their motivation was to get pumped for the competition, Coach Greenleaf said, "I really don't know, but they hobbits go off before each race in a huddle and sing some gibberish and end with hands in the air as they shout 'The Shire!'"

Team member Brandybuck scoffs at comparisons between them and the Jamaican Team. Says Brandybuck, "Hey, if those Cool Runnings guys can bobsled and make a movie, then we can make a movie, then bobsled." Good luck to the team, now known as the East Farthing Boys.

- StefBaggins

For more news, see Channel Surfing through Middle-earth Television.