• Frodo: Honda Civic Small but can take a heck of a licking and keep on ticking
• Sam:  Toyota pickup plain, hauls a lot and runs forever
• Merry:  Buick Regal a little more upscale than your average hobbit
• Pippin:  Hyundai Tiburon - Young, sporty, eager, but needs refinement
• Gandalf:  Jensen Interceptor Classic, much more power than it appears to have
• Boromir:  Mustang GT350 Good ol fashioned muscle, but not too refined
• Aragorn:  Porsche 911 No nonsense performance
• Legolas:  Lotus Super 7.  Light, fast and nimble
• Gimli:  Jeep Wrangler.  Small but eminently capable
• Bill the Pony:  Chevy pickup
• Shadowfax:  Ferrari Testarossa, born to run, preferably white
• Eowyn:  Jaguar XKR, nice around town, but itches for the open road
• Arwen:  BMW 7 series, Luxury with the potential for performance
• Galadriel:  Deusenberg J Model Ultimate classic in all ways

--Jester_rm

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• Denethor--any old used car--to make do with until the real thing, the King of cars comes  (Rolls-Royce?)

--Patty

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• Sauron would be an uninspected, overloaded semi barreling down the highway with no brakes
• Rosie would be a Dodge Caravan minivan.
• The orcs would be Ford SUVs with Firestone tires -- outwardly intimidating, but prone to blowouts and rollovers
• Bilbo would be a Volkswagen Beetle (either old or new, take your pick)

--Idril Celebrindal

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• Shelob, a black Golf GTI... ...sneaks up behind you and totally EVIL.

--Nienor

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• Saruman - A shiny white MG Midget.  It's quick and looks good, but there's something not-quite-right under the hood.
• Theoden - A WWII half-track.  Looks old, and doesn't start up easily, but it keeps on going once it starts.  It's not likely to see a woman traveling with one.
• Faramir - A municipal bus.  Shows up late (but not *too late*), but it brings a lot of people with it.
• Wormtongue - Beat up 70's sedan.  Might have been nice once, but now it's...  bought cheap.

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--Beren11:11

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--Bard

BACK TO FAN CREATIVE WRITINGS HOME

                        BREAKING LOTR NEWS!!!!

Oh Heck! ROTK having to be re-filmed!

Unfortunately due to a massive legal oversight on behalf of Peter Jackson the entire third film is having to be reshot. Worst of all, contractual obligations mean Ian McKellan is unavailiable for the reshoot so his part has been re-cast. And Peter Jackson today named the man stepping into the celebrated Shakespearian actors shoes as .. fellow antipodean, Steve Irwin aka. 'The Crocodile Hunter'. "We've had to change some of the script to suit Steve," said director, Jackson "but the huge fan base shouldn't notice much of a difference" Here's a short excerpt from the re-worked script...

From the battle of Cormellan...

Aragorn: "Form a circle! Pippin, stay close! Here they come!"
Gandalf: "Danger Danger Danger! Crikey, look at all those orcs, oh boy this is REAAAALY dangerous!"
*A huge Cave troll smashes through the front lines and confronts Gandalf/Steve*
Gandalf: "Oooh Danger, he's a little bit nippy" *to troll in voice you would talk to a small baby with* "You wanna smash me with your club don'cha, yes you do, you're alright mate, you're alright."
*The troll swings his huge club at Gandalf but he dodges just in time*
Gandalf: "Whooah, he nearly tagged me then, if he'd of got me then I'd be a GONNA! Woohoo! Danger!" *to troll in silly voice again* "You're a naughty boy aint'cha, yes you are"

What follows is a 6 minute long action sequence where Gandalf puts himself in the way of various enraged creatures whilst exclaiming how dangerous it is. He hops about teasing them and trying to get as close as possible to some without getting killed horribly.

Jackson said today... "Steve is a very popular figure and I can't see anyone having any well founded problems with him being in the film."

On phoning Sir Ian McKellan earlier he was at first incredulous but on confirming the reported change I was subjected to a barrage of rude language followed by a dull thud. Sir Ian has since been unavailable for comment.

I for one can't wait to see how the film turns out cos I think that crazy Australian *bleep* is great, that's all for now.

4in Travelers Frequent Pony, Tangle Tongues

The Prancing Pony in Bree reports there have been frequent linguistic problems as they serve a diverse and wide-ranging panorama of travelers from all countries, as well as the local populace. The language barriers can be daunting at times, especially for the employees. One of our reporters brings us this discussion at the Inn to illustrate how this topic that has become more prevalent of late...

White Rider: (intently) "...I mean, when we get someone coming in here from some far off place who-knows-where, and you can't understand a blessed thing they say, what do you do?"

Old Gaffer: (scratching his head with a garden trowel) "I know they're speaking the Common Tongue, but I admit, their accent makes them sound kinda furrin sometimes."

Primula: (looking back towards the door) "Lower your voice. I think I see one coming in now. We don't want to offend them by making fun of the way they talk, now do we?"

White Rider: "I do!"

Old Gaffer: "Well..."

Primula: "Hush!"

Chatty Patron: "hi is ne1 here i am thirsty cn u get a drink 4me"

Primula: "Um...sure. What would you like?"

Chatty Patron: "i dono i m not 2 sure r u barkeep"

Primula: "Wait. Are you asking if I'm not sure, or are you saying you aren't sure?"

Chatty Patron: "u meen"

Primula: "I'm not trying to be mean...wait. You're asking me what I mean, right? I mean, I'm not being mean, I'm just asking if you are saying I am sure or if you are sure about...oh never mind. I'm kind of confused now."

Chatty Patron: "yah & i m thirsty & ur not givin me a drink"

Primula: "Excuse me? Oh. Here, have a drink."

Chatty Patron: "10q its good i m goin2 pay u 4 it l8r."

Primula: "Huh?"

Chatty Patron: "ill hav $ l8r 2 pay u i hop u dont mind"

Primula: "Uh...tell you what, you being a stranger and all, how about that drink is on the house."

Chatty Patron: "10q u r swet c u l8r"

Primula: "....right."

White Rider: "See? I told you - we need to hire a multilingual barkeeper or something!..."

Coming Soon from New Line

Coming Soon from New Line... A martial arts masterpiece set in the ancient Orient.

With the visualy stunning backdrop of ancient China, this epic film is a truly spectacular cinematic experience.

Set in fuedal China and directed by Angbad Lee, this is the amazing story of a warrior, Li MuBaggins, and his famous sword 'The Green DeStingny'.

An epic tale of love, honour, revenge and mushrooms.

With the use of state of the art 'Hong Kong' style 'wire work' special effects, the fight scenes are more spectacular than ever before. Including the climactic battle between Li (Chow Yun Fatty Bolger) and the evil arachnid, Jade Pox. (Voiced by Michelle Yo-vanna)

In theatres this summer....

Crouching Spider, Hidden Baggins.

Consumer Report: "Environmentally Friendly" steed doesn't make the grade

If I were you, I'd be very little concerned with the warranty: fell beasts don't generally break down or become ill. History has proven this statistic time and time again; in fact, they're very hard to eliminate when the need arises! However, for the record, the factory standard warranty is a one-year contract, with a five-year limited extended warranty available at an upgrade cost of 5%, (that is, 2.5% of the cost of the vehicle, or "steed") or a lifetime warranty (your life, not the steed's) available at a 2.5% price increase. It's a pretty good deal, but the extra cost is really unnecessary.

As to forage costs, that is where this vehicle fails its test drive. Sure, they get great mileage, and if you've checked out the speeds these babies can clock, it might seem any cost would be worth it. However... tests have shown that, upon closer inspection, Nazgul Winged Steeds are not as environmentally friendly as they seem at first.

Fuel: Nazgul steeds, unlike airplanes or automobiles, run not on fossil fuels but on live feed (pets, hobbits, other small prey). In addition, they generally only need to refuel about once a month, obviously depending on mileage. Unfortunately, the cost in legal expenses and "hush money" outweigh any possible savings in that sector.

Also, long-term suspicion and ostracism are high prices to balance with any short-term popularity and awe inspired by the initial purchase and use of this vehicle. Typically, owners of the Nazgul Winged Steed find that after an initial peak, their popularity soon starts to dwindle and then plummet (usually in proportion to the number of miles traveled and [consequently] fuel consumed).

All this must be taken into account when deciding whether to purchase a Winged Steed.

Pollution: As far as gaseous emissions, these steeds seem to fall within reasonable levels of pollution. However, breath which instills panic into the hearts of those around, as well as a presence which repels all creatures in the vicinity, can not accurately be described as environmentally friendly!

Disposal costs: Actually, it is practically impossible to dispose of a Winged Steed once you have purchased one: the resale value goes through the basement at the first fueling, and as I pointed out before, demolition of any Fell Beast of this sort is nearly impossible.

All of these things must be taken into account when deciding whether to purchase a Winged Steed. Overall, I give the Nazgul Winged Steed an emphatic one (1) Steed Star, and recommend instead the Rohan Steed Shadowfax, which blew the top off all the tests and earned an unprecedented nine (9) Steed Stars from our eclectic panel of testers and valuators. [Please see our other Consumer Reports articles for more details on this incredible deal.]

Newsflash: Ritchie Cunningham Steals The One Ring

LOS ANGELES, CA - Reports are just coming in that indicate that Ritchie Cunningham of Milwaukee, WI (a.k.a. Ron Howard, also uses the alias Opie Taylor) has stolen The One Ring from Mr. Frodo Baggins of The Shire, Middle Earth. The theft apparently took place at the Golden Globe Awards, after Mr. Cunningham lost the award for Best Director. Mr. Baggins, at the awards in disguise as Elijah Wood, was just returning from a trip to the loo when he was acosted by Mr. Cunningham.

"He was not himself," Baggins reported. "He seemed like such a nice fellow... but the Ring had taken him."

Cunningham apparently used the reflection from his head to blind Mr. Baggins, who tripped and fell. Eye witnesses report hearing Cunningham mutter "It could have been mine... It should have been mine... Give it to me!!!!" He then ripped the ring from Mr. Baggins' necklace, put on the ring, and disappeared.

"I tried to find the proper authorities to warn them, but I did not know the way," Mr. Baggins, visibly shaken, later recounted to the L.A.P.D.

When asked to comment, Cunningham's mother Marion only had this short statement. "Ritchie is such a good boy. I'm sure there has just been a misunderstanding." The Fonz could not be reached for comment. Detectives are investigating the theft.

In an unrelated story, Price, Waterhouse, and Cooper accountants could not explain the sudden disappearance of the envelope containing the Golden Globe Best Drama Picture winner.

"One minute, it was in my hand, the next, it was gone," Mel Gibson, the award's presenter noted. "However, I heard a voice whispering something about A Beautiful Mind winning or we would face 'the doom of men' so I grabbed a blank envelope and improvised."

Detectives have decided not to investigate the matter.

Announcement: Shipping of LOTR Membership Packets

Decipher announced today that little Freddy Bagwell from Secausus, New Jersey has been selected to deliver all the membership packets to LOTR fanclub members. It wasn't his choice, but he has reluctantly agreed to do it. "I do not know the way," he said, so Decipher agreed to give him a map. He will set out on foot with 8 companions from around the world. It is expected that not all of the "fellowship" (they're called that because they're all fellows and they'll take a ship to get to international addresses) will reach the final destinations. They will be attacked at every turn by snow and rain and heat and gloom of night attempting to stay them from their appointed rounds.

Unconfirmed rumors indicate that one of the fellowship has already fallen. Apparently his last words were "Fly, you fools," seeming to suggest that the fellowship might have been better served using air mail.

At the end of the job, Freddy, who will certainly be tired, "stretched," and thin from all that walking, will be allowed to retire in the west in the fabled land called Hollywood.

NEWSFLASH - lotrfc.jan.02nz Wellington, NZ

"Rings" Director Reveals Truth Behind Special Effects

In a recent interview, Director Peter Jackson (of the recent blockbuster, *Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring*) admitted that many of the special effects previously discussed were, in fact, much simpler than had been related. "The promotional department always wanted it to sound more high-tech," he said, "so rather than have one more set of people nagging at me all the time, I told them to go ahead and say whatever sounded good to them. I guess they felt the public needed to be impressed with techniques that sound more complicated."

It turns out the many ways in which the actors were supposedly changed in size for the movie were all "just made up - they sounded good at night, after a couple beers. And the press liked it."

Jackson admits it is time the truth was out.

"You probably realize by now, what with all these publicity appearances and all, that all of the actors are the same height. We decided that every actor had to be exactly 6' for this to work, and they wouldn't have been hired otherwise. I mean, what would we do? Elevator shoes? Putting them down on their knees? People just like to believe that Elijah Wood is short, like a hobbit. He's exactly 6-foot, just like John Rhys-Davies and Liv Tyler."

So how did they get them to appear so different on film? "It's an old cinematic trick. We just use really tall or really short cameramen. Why, the whole camera team for the hobbits were usually employed playing College Basketball. Not a one under 7'5". And the guys that worked with the actor that played the Balrog, and the Troll, were, um, vertically challenged! (laughs). I mean, remember when you were really young and how tall your dad looked to you? Was your dad really tall? No, of course not! You were short! We just employ this perspective with film."

Surprisingly, Jackson has had a lot of success with applying this in other areas of his craft. "We did have a hard time finding enough cameramen to film the epic battle sequences," he says, "since it takes hundreds of them to make the 15 soldiers we had look like an army. When the cameramen were all lined up for that opening scene, they made a caravan about a mile long!" Other applications were easier and very useful. "We found we could save a lot of valuable time and money in the Make-Up Dept by employing really ugly cameramen. I mean, Orlando Bloom is pretty average looking, really, but his cameraman was exceptionally clumsy and homely, so on camera Orlando looks great! And Elijah's cameraman - whew! He's a great guy, and didn't mind having to wear that paper bag over his head too much, but it was a challenge to find a qualified cameraman who was both tall and ugly enough!" Jackson pauses to scratch his feet. "The technique can backfire in some ways, I suppose," and here Jackson shifted a bit uncomfortably, "since the guy who has an exclusive contract to film my personal appearances is a relative of Fran's and I can't really change who he is without hurting her feelings."

Our interviewer noted that the man who was filming this interview was very tall, lean and bald as a billiard ball. "Does it bother you that the public thinks you are short, chubby and hairy when you really resemble Pierce Brosnan closely enough to be his brother?"

"Oh, it used to," Jackson laughs, "but the public likes to think of me as resembling a hobbit, so I've grown accustomed to it."

30 JANUARY 2002, THE MIDDLE-EARTH REVIEW

The hobbits will be debuting their newly-trained bobsledding crew at the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, Utah. The four-man crew trained in New Zealand for 17 months and will be bringing their custom-designed bobsleds made from bathtubs. Crew members include Frodo Baggins of Hobbiton, Peregrin Took of Hobbiton, Meriadoc Brandybuck of Buckland, and Samwise Gamgee of Hobbiton, and they are coached by famous Elf skiing champion Legolas Greeleaf. When asked what their motivation was to get pumped for the competition, Coach Greenleaf said, "I really don't know, but they hobbits go off before each race in a huddle and sing some gibberish and end with hands in the air as they shout 'The Shire!'"

Team member Brandybuck scoffs at comparisons between them and the Jamaican Team. Says Brandybuck, "Hey, if those Cool Runnings guys can bobsled and make a movie, then we can make a movie, then bobsled." Good luck to the team, now known as the East Farthing Boys.

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